Archive for September 2012

5 Reasons Why You Are Still Single

September 27, 2012

We are a few days into the fall season and depending on where you live, the weather can begin to take a drastic change. There is a joke that some women make during this season, saying that they need a man when it gets cold to keep them warm. With only 3 months left in 2012, many single men and women begin to reflect on the year and wonder why they are still single. Perhaps some have come and some have gone, but the fact remains that you are still single.

We all know that being single is not a bad thing at all. However, societal pressures and television oftentimes make it seem like something is wrong with you. Of course, this is not likely the case. The proverbial ticking biological clock always comes up as well. No one is in control of time; you can only control what you do with that time.

Many of you have had friends, family members, co-workers, etc. all diagnose you as to why you are single. They may also tell you why you need to be with someone. They also tell you why you should stay with someone, even though you know deep down on the inside that it’s time to leave. There are thousands of ways to explain why people do what they do, but you can only be responsible for what you do.

It may feel like everyone seems to know what type of person you would like or the type of person you need. Well, we will make their job a little easier.

I have included 5 reasons you are still single:

1.)  You Haven’t Met The Right One Yet- I mean this is a no brainer. This is as common sensible as it gets. All the other pressures are unnecessary. If you haven’t met them yet, you just haven’t met them yet. You can’t snap your fingers and they will appear. If that were the case, no one would have a process.

 

I’ve reiterated that if God is leading, both the man and the woman must wait on God. The man must wait for God to show Him the woman and the woman must wait for the man to find her. The common denominator is that both should wait on God.

 

I would much prefer you stick to your standards than to try to make someone fit where they were never intended to fit. I know that at times it can get frustrating and doesn’t seem to make sense, but what really doesn’t make sense is to try to force a relationship. You know the old saying, “If it don’t fit, don’t force it.”

 

God is not confused, nor is he incapable of counting. He knows how many years it has been. Guess what? It is impossible for even you to care about you more than God does. So, He wants what He wants for you when He wants it. We just have to be cool with the process.

 

If we were to really be honest, the process is not always so bad. It seems to get bad when we get in the way. It also gets bad when you come to the realization that you have been entertaining foolishness and wasting time, which only seems to remind you why you were single in the 1st place. In the words of Sweet Brown in her news interview that went viral all across the globe, “Ain’t Nobody Got Time For That.”

 

2.)  You Have Standards- When did standards become a lost art? When did standards become looked down upon? Standards are not highly glorified in the media, so there may be some who may make you feel like something is wrong with you for having standards. Chivalry may be considered dead in some parts of society, but it doesn’t have to be dead on your block.

 

If you don’t command respect, it will not always automatically be given. If you have standards that you maintain, you should be proud. You should not feel bad because someone tries to make you feel as though something is wrong with you for having realistic expectations.

 

Ladies, I’ve said time and time again that a man will work hard for what he wants. He doesn’t need you to help him see that you are a great woman. If you have to attempt to convince him, you are already in a deficit.

 

Again, set your standard and enforce it early and often. IF YOU CONTINUE TO PACIFY A MAN, YOU WILL CREATE A BABY FOR LIFE! BABIES ARE FOR PARENTS, GROWN IS FOR ADULTS!

 

A baby can’t marry a grown adult. They are devoid of responsibility and wisdom. Respect your standard and your standard will always respect you because it does a great job of eliminating unqualified candidates.

 

A great test of your standard is when you set it and someone else comes along and raises the standard. What’s sexier than that? Yes, it is possible, even if you have to eliminate quite a few to get there.

 

3.)  You Have A Boring Schedule- Everyone can find reasons to be busy, but busy doesn’t always mean productive. Sometimes you have to change your routine. The most popular routine is from work to home or work, home and church. All those are excellent, but you must diversify. Go out and have fun. If the truth be told, some have cliques even at church. Do you really know much about those you come in contact with often?

 

Let us also be reminded of some places you may choose to hang out. Some environments are not necessarily the best place to meet like-minded individuals. What do you enjoy doing? What are some of your hobbies? Go to the park, painting, networking events, etc. Learn to enjoy you for once.

 

Do you remember how to have fun doing something you actually enjoy? Are the things you enjoyed last year the same types of things you enjoy this year, or are you still doing it because everyone else is still doing it and it’s a habit?

 

Some of you have catered to others so much, you don’t know how to enjoy you and actually feel guilty when doing so. You don’t need to go hoping that you meet someone. If that’s strong in your heart, it will show one way or another. Desperate has a sound and it caters to all 5 senses.

 

Meeting interesting new people is ok. Ladies, I’m absolutely Not saying put yourself out there or chase after a man. I’m Not saying approach a man. What I am saying is, WHEN YOU LIVE LIFE AND LOVE LIFE, LIFE WILL WORK IN YOUR FAVOR! God’s life for you will treat you good in the long haul. It’s a natural progression that actually requires less effort than you may think.

 

4.)  You Are Focused- It is great to be focused on the tasks ahead of you and to pursue your goals. This is what we all should do. When you are entrenched in what you are doing, you don’t have a lot of idle time to think about why you are still single. You are always successful when you are pursuing and accomplishing goals.

 

Love will ultimately find you. You must 1st be in love with you for real. LOVE IS ATTRACTED TO ITSELF AND IT WILL ALWAYS FIND ITSELF. The problem is when lust is attracted to love. That’s where a lot of problems come into play. Lust is deceitful and crafty because it can disguise itself as love. Be careful.

 

You should also be aware that if you are always talking about the reasons why you are still single, you are likely lying to yourself or to someone else. Who are you trying to convince? If you’re single, you’re single and you don’t need any justifications for it.

 

If you feel the need to bring attention to why you are single more often than not, then others will see that you are truly crying out for attention. The unfortunate part is that the attention that you will attract is not the attention you will want or need.

 

IF YOU ARE TRULY FOCUSED ON DOING YOU, YOUR ACTIONS WILL SPEAK FOR ITSELF, KEEP YOUR COMMENTARY FOR MORE MIND STIMULATING DIALOGUE AS OPPOSED TO MIND NUMBING ONE’S!

 

5.)  You Are In Transition-  One concept of being single is simply the transition between singlehood and marriage. The key is that you are constantly moving forward and living life to the fullest.

You are not at a standstill, but you are in transition. In order to get to the other side, you have to walk. It’s a marathon. You have to pace yourself. You know when to walk and when to sprint. You may not get it right all the time, but it’s all part of the process. The more mistakes you can avoid, the better.

Everyone has a process. As long as you are sincerely doing your part, the rest is on God. You will be amazed at what you see when you decide what not to look at. You’re in between single and married. Transition is not bad. Whatever you do, don’t abandon ship. Just ride that ship to the other side.

One thing is for certain, your personal singles resume should always be growing, and you should be able to have numerous character references from credible non biased sources. You will have a married resume 1 day as well. In the meantime, live life. We only get 1 on this side.

As always, remember that you are Single For 1. That is all for now.

Your Singles Advisor,

The Duke

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I Always Feel Like Somebody’s Watching Me

September 19, 2012

We live in a media driven society. Anyone can be their own blogger, news reporter, investigative reporter, videographer, etc. The moment something interesting or entertaining happens, you get rest assure, someone may be around to capture the footage. Social media is the largest hangout spot.

You can learn a lot about some people just by reading their facebook or twitter. Sure, some say that their alter ego is what you find on their social media sites, but that still does not change the perception. What you present for the world to see may in fact have numerous interpretations, but there are some things that are clear as day.

We know that there are also facebook and twitter stalkers who simply view your page to gather information or to watch what you are doing. I’m not saying that you need to change you because that’s only something you can decide on. However, I am saying that regardless of what you say or don’t say, there are always others watching. So, what are you saying about yourself?

Many do not have to go far or wait for phone calls and messages for people who need prayer. They don’t have to scroll down too far on the screen to have enough things to stay in prayer about. However, there are one’s who will pray, but others who will simply talk about you. I guess the issue is that sometimes it’s hard for you to see you! I am in no way casting judgment, but this is coming from the heart and I am shining a light on a matter that needs to be addressed.

So, if you are a single female or a single male, whether you like it or not, what you post on your social media says something about you. It saddens me when I see statuses where something happens or the particular person did something that they thought was funny and others are commenting on it because they thought it was funny, but really the joke is on them. Just because someone doesn’t comment does not mean they didn’t see it. If I can see it, I guarantee you that others see it.

I’m not saying that people should use social media for dates, etc. However, I am fully aware that in this technological society, there are numerous avenues people can use to meet others. Old friends and classmates have reconnected through social media. Business partnerships have been formed through social media. At the end of the day, you can dismiss it as you see fit, but whether you like it or not, it will always be a representation of who you are. Whether it’s just a part of you or not, it still counts. It still tells the world something about you.

You say that you want a certain type of person, but your actions do not line up. You can dismiss it as, oh that’s just facebook, twitter, instagram, google plus, etc. However, if potential employers search these sites to obtain information, what do you think potential mates do?

I know that you are beautiful, sexy, faithful and intelligent, so don’t turn people off before they get an opportunity to see that. This can be applied to life as a whole and social media; SOMEONE IS ALWAYS WATCHING YOU, AND IT’S NOT JUST YOUR “HATERS!”

Contrary to popular belief, you actually have more allies than enemies, but we too often give haters center stage. If you are a child of God, you have legions and legions of heavenly angels who are on your side, not to mention your human allies. Allies are not always vocal. I am allies for many people I have never had a conversation with or haven’t spoken to in years.

 Social media is your electronic character reference. So, what is it saying about you? Sure, you should have fun and laugh. That’s a great outlet to do so, but there is a threshold that you can cross and people begin to notice the pattern. The pattern may be, this person is always complaining about something… this person is always talking about sex…this person is in love every couple of months…this person always has drama…this person is always complaining about their job…this person keeps a different man around their kids…this person is always bashing people…this person is always putting the blame on his child’s mother, but never takes responsibility…this person stories never adds up….this person is always talking about other people’s kids. The list can go on and on, but you get the point. I’m sure most of us have taken part in some of these conversations. It’s kind of hard to overlook it when it inundates your news feed.

I’m telling you this because I care. People are always watching. Yes, you should not be moved by what others think about you, but you should be moved by what you think of you. You can say one thing, but your actions can say something else. We should be consistent across the board.

Your social media is a representative of you in one way or another. Ladies, men can see it and that’s why some of them will try you. There are some things they will say in your inbox that they wouldn’t dare say to another woman because they have observed your statuses.  The same goes for the men who send messages, etc. The women also see what you are saying on your statuses. So, you are eliminated immediately. In some cases, for as many comments as you get, there are that many if not more who read it and kept their comments to themselves. Some may be good and some bad.

At the end of the day, respect is earned, not given. WHAT YOU ARE LOOKING FOR IS LOOKING FOR YOU BUT WHAT YOU PRESENT IS WHAT WILL FIND YOU! You are full of great potential and possess what many will want, but use discretion and realize that some of the stuff is for phone conversations with your close confidants. As always, remember that you are Single For 1. That is all for now.

Your Singles Advisor,

The Duke

You Won’t Fool Me This Time

September 13, 2012

No one likes to be fooled, but we have all been fooled at some point in life in some area. We are well into the last quarter of 2012 with only 3 months remaining. That’s less time than it takes to birth a child. Some of you have had some highs and some lows. Every year is always filled with something different. That is a part of life.

Perhaps you met a nice person with great potential. Perhaps, who you thought was the 1 was not the 1. Maybe you have met someone who you can see a future with and things are going very well. You’ve been praying for this and it appears to be happening. We can move beyond the past and embrace the future.

I have included 3 relationship steps to follow in the last 3 months of 2012 and beyond:

1.)  Watch Out For Manipulation- A dear friend of mine had to beat this into me all week. They challenged me in a wonderful way. I try to make things as clear as possible, but I also sometimes present it in a way in which I expect everyone to know better. The thing is, many of you know better, but due to manipulation, you got sucked into something that was not good for you.  I had quite a few independent conversations about people being manipulated in relationships and in other capacities over the past week. Manipulation is a nasty word and a nasty enemy.

 

I understand that women can manipulate men, but I always highlight the fact that there are good men out there. However, I understand that there are more men who utilize this manipulation strategy than women. The good men do not employ manipulation, but it needs to be addressed because of those individuals who do and those who fall prey to it. Dictionary.com defines manipulate as: “to negotiate, control, or influence (something or someone) cleverly, skillfully, or deviously; to manage or influence skillfully, especially in an unfair manner.”

The key words are control, influence, deviously and unfair manner. The use of influence for negative gain is manipulation. To abuse power, love and trust to control someone is manipulation. So, I have simple words for you, and that is to always believe your instinct. Better yet, always believe the Holy Spirit leading you.

The moment you are on to something not being right and you bring it up to a manipulative man, he will try to make you think that you are crazy or something is wrong with you for coming up with what you came up with. It’s one thing if you sit around and create scenarios in your head, but it’s another thing when something on the inside of you is telling you something is going on or something is not being done right. Manipulation can turn into emotional abuse and even greater.

The problem comes in when you dismiss it. Many have been brainwashed and stay in an unhealthy and unfruitful situation for years. Some people have a Master of Manipulation degree. Ultimately, as it worsens, the ultimate goal is to make you become co-dependent. These are people who have insecure issues themselves, but they try to make you think you’re the insecure one. Don’t lose years over table crumbs.

2.)  Live, Live Live- Live life and have fun. Stop being so uptight. Granted, if all you have been doing is having fun and have not stuck to the plan and followed your goals, then you need to revisit your goals and adjust. If you have not written your goals, please do. Your 1 year goal sheet does not have to begin at the top of a new year, but it can begin on any date and you can count 12 months from that time. If you write it now, you can set goals to accomplish by the end of the year.

 

Don’t be lazy and try to use God to cover it up. Don’t call fear, “This is my season of isolation and I’m just waiting for my release.” If you are afraid, be real, pray and face it. The old saying is “Do it afraid.” Don’t call laziness, “I’m just trusting God for my breakthrough.” You may be trusting Him for a breakthrough, but He is trusting that you will put some work with your faith.

True success is not measured by status, fortune or fame. All those are fine, but true success is that you have achieved your goals, both big and small. If you can’t write out your goals and follow them, you are saying that you lack direction. If you have goals but don’t put them to action, you are saying you lack discipline.

All successful people can juggle multiple things at once. YOU HAVE TO WAIT FOR GOD TO SEND YOU YOUR MATE, BUT YOU DON’T HAVE TO WAIT ON GOD TO LIVE YOUR LIFE!

I have stated in the past that men and women have to wait. The man has to wait for God to show Him who his wife is and the woman must wait for the man to find her! You only have one life on this side. So, you may as well maximize every moment and fill it with fruitful activity.

 

3.)  Watch Out For Manipulation- You already know how I roll. Did I repeat a point? Yes, I sure did! We need a replay on this one. It’s one thing when you are not aware of the game, but if you see the game being played and you go along with it, that’s the problem. If you go along with it, it is probably because you are being manipulated.

 Smart, intelligent and strong individuals have been manipulated. There is this myth that there are these all wise people out there where nothing gets past them. I’ve seen some people get manipulated that you could not have paid me money to think they could be fooled. So, don’t beat yourself up if you were in this type of situation or if you are in it now. The key is in getting to the resolution and getting out from under it! Manipulation is not love!

 Trust is a powerful thing. Love is a powerful thing. When you give someone both, you don’t expect them to manipulate you. This is why you MUST follow God’s tugging at your spirit. He has been with you all your life and you know when something doesn’t seem right. Don’t ignore it! Don’t ignore it!

You have too much to offer to be manipulated into being less than who you are. You are too valuable to live below your potential. Ladies, remember that you are the Gift and should conduct yourself as such. Men, remember that you are a leader and should lead by example. Every good Gift desires to know that they are in trustworthy, capable and secure hands. Ladies and Gentlemen, remember that you are the Standard. Set the standard and stick to it.

Remember that you are Single For 1. That is all for now.

Your Singles Advisor,

The Duke

The Take Bandit

September 6, 2012

We all understand that in relationships, there is the give and take effect. You both give and you both take. It’s a fair exchange. Yes, there are sacrifices that will be made along the way by both parties, but notice that I said sacrifices by both parties. This concept has been lost on too many individuals. I have been seeing this occur more frequently than I would like, so it deserves the necessary attention. The “Take Bandit” has found its way into relationships and is sucking people dry. What is even worse is that the “Take Bandit” is taking even before it gets into a relationship. The bottom line is that some of you are giving and giving and giving and all the other person is doing is taking and taking and taking. What makes matters worse is when you accept it and even make excuses for it. I have said time and time again that anyone can come up with a lie or an excuse and actually make themselves believe it. If an individual is taking something, they should also be able to give in relationships.

There are too many individuals giving, but aren’t getting much back in return. For some who are getting “something” back in return, that is about all it is, a piece of something. It is not even worth discussion because you have lowered your standard to accept far less than what you deserve. You give your time, love, commitment, etc and you get a physical body in return. Is that enough?  If it is, that’s the easiest job in the world. If all a person has to do is show up and you are satisfied, you have sold yourself beyond short. Many are doing it and many are showing up and signing up for that steal of a deal. All the “Take Bandit” knows how to do is take.

I don’t want to hear the list of excuses that your or someone you know comes up with as to why you think the “Take Bandit” takes and gives little in return. I’ve heard it all: “But they were neglected as a child”… “They were the only child, so they can be kind of selfish”…. “They have been hurt so much and I don’t think they realize it”… “They are still going through a healing process” (a healing process that has taken years? How do you know they think they need healing?) “It doesn’t really bother me because you shouldn’t do anything if you are looking for something in return.” The list goes on and on and on. If you want to rear an adult as a child, I heard a few stores are running sales on pampers and pacifiers. If this is the conscious or unconscious belief you subscribe to, you may as well become an extreme couponer because you are in for an expensive journey that will cost way more than money. Money is the least of your concerns because money can never replace time!

Let me focus on the part where some say that you shouldn’t expect anything in return. You are partially correct my friend, but partial is still incorrect. Yes, you should not do something for someone and look for something in return. You shouldn’t have to do this because in a relationship, you are supposed to relate. Not only that, but if you have a goal towards marriage, the 2 are supposed to be working on becoming 1. That is hard to do if 1 is trying to become 2. That causes burnout and can lead to resentment in the long run. Who wants to be a slave in a relationship? Don’t you think it’s kind of bad if you feel like a prisoner in a relationship and you were free when single? The sad part is to be in a relationship and you don’t realize that you’re in a mental prison.

Gray areas are never good if it is not addressed. A friend of mine said something to me recently that made a lot of sense. They said, “If you remain silent, Satan will talk to fill in the space.” In other words, if you don’t communicate and there is room for doubt and uncertainty, your thoughts can fill in the empty space. If there are gray areas in the relationship, it is not a relationship. Relationship does not take guess work. You know if you are in 1 or not, Period!!

I’ve heard some married women say that their husband is like one of the kids. I can assure you this; he didn’t become a big kid over night. What you accept will become the norm. What is 1 of my #1 rules? Check bad habits early and often! This is one of the most common contributors to women begin to do everything in a relationship. I remember when I had this bad habit many years ago. I would say things like, “but you do that better than me.” I would say this because I didn’t really want to do it, but I was reminded early and often that it would get done the right way. My mom taught it to me and the right kind of woman reinforced that with me when I tried to create a bad habit.  The biggest mistake you can make as a woman is to jump in and do it for the man because he doesn’t handle something correctly. That is a teachable moment. Let me pause to say that I am not bashing the men who do it right, but I’m calling out the ones who need to get it right! I applaud every man who is taking care of business. My point is, it makes no sense to treat a mentally competent adult like a child. I was told, “You will do it until you get it right.” Break bad habits early.

Let me set some of you free right now. I have seen this happen time and time again. I just had this conversation earlier in the week. If you learn this lesson prior to getting married, you will be much happier. There is this belief that as long as the man is working and bringing home the check, that’s all he has to do. I understand that dynamics in some homes may be slightly different based on the structure, but let’s examine this for a second. If you were married and you had a child at home with you and your husband worked, who do you think has it easier? We won’t even get into what it looks like if you both will be working a job. I have spoken with enough mothers to know that the person on that 8 hour job has some bit of freedom at work as opposed to being home with a little child alllllllllll day! There are a lot of demands that comes with that. It requires a lot of time, energy and attention. That is a job. When he gets home, you would need a break. Some men believe that all it takes is bringing the money home.

There is more to providing than just a check. For example, if someone was paying child support, money is only 1 aspect of providing for a child. A provider offers support to the entire household, not just in the pocket. If you have a poverty mindset, you will believe that as long as the man brings the money, that’s all that is needed. What about also providing spiritually, emotionally, psychologically and physically? If financially is all that he provides, he is in a deficit. Also, providing physically is far more than sex. Do you help make the other persons load lighter? That is an indicator if you are providing physically in its totality.

Ya’ll need to have these conversations. Well, let me correct that because you don’t need to have conversations with everyone. I have discovered that some women in marriages feel like a robot and then feel forced to fulfill their “sexual obligations” to supposedly keep him happy while still feeling the need to cook, clean and take care of the kids. Who wants to have sex out of obligation? You do know at that point it’s just sex right?  It’s not true intimacy. It’s not making love because she truly doesn’t feel the love that she needs. What husband will feel good knowing that is happening? That should check the ego at the door so that he can find out how to make it better.

The key is in knowing what makes each other happy. If the focus is just on 1 person being happy, you have invited the “Take Bandit” into your life. Men, if there is a consistent team effort going on, I assure you that you will have nothing to worry about. YOU CAN’T LOVE A POTENTIAL MATE HOW YOU WANT TO BE LOVED; YOU HAVE TO LOVE THEM HOW THEY NEED TO BE LOVED! If you can grasp this concept, it will help you not to be a “Take Bandit.” Many people are frustrated because they are trying to love a person based on what they like, not what the other person likes.  Your heart may flutter from a nice gift, but their heart may flutter from a nice hug or walk in the park. Sometimes, it is the simple things in life that a person cherishes. One of my best friends takes cards very seriously. She knows if the person who gave her a card really put thought into it. Some individuals feel better knowing that you put a lot of creative thought into doing something for them, as opposed to just getting them something.Get to know the person you’re getting to know.

You must conduct an honest self-examination to see if you are the “Take Bandit” or the one being taken from. If you are neither, that is good news. The “Take Bandit” should have no place in your life to take anymore. Keep these principles in your mind while you are single and don’t compromise it. You will thank yourself in the end. There are some married people who are envious of you because they wish they had your freedom. Some are envious of you because they wish they had done it the right way. Yes, every relationship will require work, but you can cut down on some headaches if you remind yourself of your standard early and often! Remember that you are Single For 1. That is all for now.

Your Singles Advisor,

The Duke