It’s Time to Let Go and Live

We all have things that we hold onto longer than we should. This also applies to relationships and past hurts. No one really wants to admit that they are holding onto the past. No one really wants to admit that their past may be impacting their present. You lived and you learned. You have a brain that stores memory, and that memory can either make you bitter or better. The best thing that you can do with pain from the past is to use it to help someone else. The ministry of experience is a very powerful ministry. Your experience is unique to you and you alone.

You are single and working on becoming an even better person than you are. You desire the man God has ordained for your life. However, do you know yourself? Do you truly love yourself? Do you know your purpose in life? These are serious questions that one must ask before becoming too engulfed in God sending a mate. IF YOU DON’T KNOW YOUR PURPOSE, YOU DON’T KNOW 85% OF WHO YOU ARE!! Your purpose is a major part of you. It is the major reason of why you are alive. One of my favorite quotes is, YOU WERE BORN AS AN ANSWER TO A PROBLEM. Yes, you were created on Earth to be an extension of God. It’s time to stop going through life not living or living for someone to authenticate you. You should be authenticated before your man finds you. If you loved yourself the way you should have, would you have allowed yourself to be placed in the same position time and time again? Would you have continued making excuses for a situation you knew was not good? Would you have lowered your standards just to get a date? Do you follow your own advice you give to others? Yes, we all have made mistakes, but did you learn from them? I don’t mind learning a lesson, but I don’t like repeat courses. 

What if….We all have what if’s. What if they did this? What if I did that? What if they acted half decent? What if they just did the small things? What if they do better? What if they get their life in order? You should not live your life in the what if. DON’T WASTE YOUR TODAY BEING CONSUMED WITH YESTERDAY. Healing can be a gradual process. Sometimes you do not really know that you have been healed from past hurts until you are faced with a new experience. No, you did not deserve what happened. However, it did happen and you have too much life to live to allow yesterday to hold you hostage. If a man does something that reminds you of the past, do you get defensive? If so, that means that your past still impacts your present. You should be cautious because you learned from the past, but do not allow it to control you. No one is exactly alike.

I know you have been hurt, cheated, used, taken for granted, etc. So, you failed in a few relationships and it was not all your fault. However, he was not the one, so how could it have been completely successful? Does that eliminate you from life? Does that eliminate you from God sending you the man? The answer is an emphatic NO!! You matter in more ways than you know. You just utilized your resources and invested your stocks in the wrong investment. With any good investment, you want a high ROI (Return on Investment). WHEN YOU ARE WITH THE MAN GOD SENDS, YOUR STOCKS WILL GO UP, NOT DOWN!! You are an expensive stock and only you have the power to make it go up or down. You don’t want to be the type of stock that anyone can afford. 

You’ve gone through enough, and you can handle a lot. So, you don’t want someone who thinks they can just get valet parking and V.I.P. treatment in your life without proving they are worthy. DON’T LIVE LIKE YOU’RE STANDING IN LINE WAITING FOR A MAN, LIVE LIKE A MAN HAS TO PROVE HE CAN STAND!

Be real with yourself. We all can continue to better ourselves in a number of ways. We only get one life on this side, so make the best of it. It’s Today, and some of you are still in last week, month, year. How many more days will you let go by? I submit to you that starting Today, you will live with a sense of purpose. If you don’t know your purpose, continue to pray and you will soon get an answer. People are depending on you, the man God sends is depending on you to know what your purpose is. When you two connect, the fulfillment of your purpose will go to new levels. YOUR PURPOSE IS NOT A DESTINATION, IT’S A LIFETIME COMMITMENT. The good thing is that it will be something that will bring you so much joy. Who said you had to wait for a man to do certain things? Don’t waste time beating yourselves up for what you did or did not do. Start from where you are. Some things we make too difficult. If you want to move forward, I have simple advice for you. Get up and Walk. I don’t know of anyone who has ever reached a destination without some form of movement. Ladies, it’s time to let go and live. That’s all for now.

Your Singles Advisor,

Duke

So You Think You Have Standards

I cannot think of anyone I have ever met that did not think they had good standards. Let us start by defining it. Dictionary.com defines standard as: those morals, ethics, habits, etc., established by authority, custom, or an individual as acceptable. The word that stands out to me is “acceptable.” Many women claim to have standards, but are they acceptable? Are they acceptable for what it is that you desire. You see, you can say you have a high standard with your words, but your actions may contradict it. It is clear that everyone has their own ideas of what is acceptable for them. The disheartening thing is that too many women constantly lower their standards for fear that the clock is running out. Not only that, but if I were to ask some of you, what are your standards…would you be able to quickly and convincingly say it? If not, set time apart soon to reflect and sit down and write them down. It’s just like having goals. If you don’t have written goals and timetables to hold you accountable, how do you know you are really making progress? If you are not positive on what these standards are, then how is it that you can get upset if a man violates those “standards?” Your idea of acceptable should line up with what God has for you. Do you know your worth? Look in the mirror and ask yourself who is looking back at you. You may very well see a physical specimen that has gone through trials, obstacles, heart break and disappointments. You will see someone who did not give up when it was the easiest and most convenient choice. You will see someone who refused to settle for less than what you deserved. You will see someone who was determined that it will hurt to walk away from this relationship, but I’D RATHER BE HURT AND FACE THE TRUTH THAN TO BE HURT AND CONTINUE TO LIVE IN A LIE! Confidence comes easy for some women, but what good is that confidence if you have no true standards? YOU CAN CLAIM TO BE CONFIDENT IN WHO YOU ARE YET STILL SETTLE FOR LESS THAN YOU ARE!!

Have you ever had a man try to talk to you and you kept avoiding him and not paying him any attention, but he was so persistent until you finally gave him a chance to at least take you out? Did you go because you were tired of him asking, or did he finally catch you when you were in a different state of mind? Either way, you still had to make a choice. You must constantly make choices. If a man comes into your life, it would be best that you make the standards clear early on. If standards are not clear in the beginning, it can be very difficult to try to set them later on. If your standards were low at the beginning, how can you expect the man to take you seriously when you get an epiphany and decide to want to raise the standard? Standards are not always words, it’s also very much so your actions and how you carry yourself and what you stand for.

For example, if you let a man sleep over in week 1 and by week 4, you decide that was not a good idea? Many men will be ok at first, but will keep trying you because you did not set that standard at the beginning. Why would they honor your words when you made it so easy? I had a conversation with a woman not so long ago and they told me that they met a new guy, but he was so “hungry” acting. That means he was hungry for sex. The woman told me that they are used to a man acting that way and they would think that a man was gay if he did not act in that manner. This was apparently what she was accustomed to. So, what that told me was that her standards were low, yet she believes in her mind they were high. Are you telling me that when you first go out with a man, you expect him to want to be all over you? So, if he sees you as a piece of poultry and you acknowledge and condone it, then why would you get mad if he doesn’t spend the time with you that you desire? A good man has self-control, and even if he was thinking certain things, he would not seem desperate. Thoughts may come, but it’s what you do with those thoughts that count. Some women think they want a “good man,” but their actions show they really just want “a man.” A man to hold them, talk to them, spend time with them. There is a distinct difference between “A man”, and “Good man.” There is also a difference between a “good man,” and the “good man for you.”

Most single mothers expected the baby daddy to be active in their child’s life, or better yet that he would have stayed with you and you would have been married. On the other hand, you may have never seen him as a potential husband, but you are now left with very real responsibilities. Yes, you can’t be held responsible for another individual’s actions. However, you are responsible for what you do after. This is not to make you feel bad or judge you, b/c all single mothers I know are doing a great job with their children. Statistically, it’s usually the dad that does not do so well with them. Yes, there are some men who do take care of their kids, this I know as well. However, be cautious that you are not constantly bringing new men around your child and the child becomes accustomed to seeing men come and go. Because your child’s father did not play his role, does not eliminate you from your husband finding you.

I have also come to realize that most women are not hard to please. Most of you don’t ask for much, but the simplest things that you desire, seems so hard for a man to do. So, when a new man comes along and does the simplest of things, sometimes you lose yourself and think oh this is all I ever wanted, so this must be the one. JUST BECAUSE A MAN DOES SOMETHING YOU ARE NOT USED TO DOES NOT MAKE HIM THE ONE FOR YOU. Could it be that God wanted to show you that the very thing that seemed like you would never get is very possible? Could it be that God is showing you that all men are not like the last man? It burdens me because I see and hear women all the time say, “well no one has ever done that for me before.” That’s a good thing, but they say it like it’s the greatest thing ever or that they were not deserving of it. For some women, things that you should automatically expect from a man turns into a thing that’s an added bonus if you can get it. This ought not be so.

You are great, so you should expect greatness. The most valuable and expensive wine cannot be found on any shelf, in any store. You won’t find it in the grocery store or in Wal-Mart. A wine connoisseur will know what it takes, and they are willing to find it no matter how far they have to go or how much they have to pay. You are like fine wine, the longer you have waited, the more your value goes up. Any man won’t be able to get to you, but “the man” has to find you. He will do whatever it takes because he recognizes your worth. The problem is you are putting yourself on all the wrong shelves. An alcoholic, drug dealer, liar, player, married man ….they all have access to you? If this is so, ask yourself, where am I hanging out? Those individuals are not ready to be husbands. Take yourself off those cheap shelves. If you go to a luxury home auction, you have to put up a check just to enter to have the opportunity to bid on the property. People travel from all over the country and world to attend knowing that only one individual will walk away with the house. The one for you will be willing to pay the price (not just monetary) and overcome any other competition or outlast any other men who are all trying to get access to spend time with you.

A GOOD MAN WANTS A WOMAN WITH HIGH STANDARDS; A BOY WANTS A WOMAN WITH LOW STANDARDS. Set standards ladies, if you let a man get away with it now, he will feel he can get away with it later. Don’t ever think your standards are too high, because the right man will find you. He will be delighted to see that you actually have standards. If your standards were set, you would not waste too much of your time on the knockoff man because you would identify him quickly. HIGH STANDARDS WILL EVENTUALLY ATTRACT HIGH QUALITY. If you notice you keep attracting the same type of men, ask yourself these questions: Am I giving off the wrong impression? Who do I hang with and where do I hang out? Yes, the knockoffs will slip through the cracks at times, but that should not be the majority of what you are seeing. REMEMBER THAT YOU ARE THE STANDARD.

The 5 Points of a Good Man!

 “THE PERSON YOU MARRY IS A PRODUCT OF YOUR INTELLIGENCE. I heard this statement a year or so ago and I immediately added it to my list of favorite quotes. That is a powerful and true statement. Reflect on that quote Ladies, reflect on that quote.

These are what I call my 5 Points. This is what all women should see in a man. Granted, all men do not have all 5. If God sends him, he will possess the 5 or be pretty close to getting there. I say that because in all 5 points, there is always room for growth in all the areas.

1.)    Spiritually- The man should have some spiritual stock. This is the most important point, but yet it is a very low preference on many women’s lists. He should not just know about the Lord, but he should know the Lord personally. No, I’m not saying he is a preacher…but he needs to have a relationship with God. If a man does not know how to love God, how can he truly know how to love you? God is love (1 John 4:16). Side note: Just because he goes to church sometimes, does not mean he loves the Lord. It’s about relationship and you see it through his actions. Some of you go to work everyday, but does it mean you love your job?..Ok, enough said.

2.)    Emotionally-The man should be able to support you emotionally. Women tend to be more emotional, but it does not mean that men are not emotional. Statistics show that historically, women live longer than men. Why do women tend to live longer than men? Because many women tend to not hold in emotions as much as men. Emotions deal with feelings. He should be there for you emotionally even when he does not understand why you feel a certain way. You may react to something he does or says that reminds you of something from the past. He should demonstrate the patience needed to help you work through any emotion (anger, sadness, fear, joy, etc.). Oftentimes, if the man is not there emotionally, women feel disconnected or feel the man does not care. It may not seem like a big deal to him, but if it is to you, he must adjust, adapt and improve accordingly. Sometimes you just need to get it out of your system and you are ok after. Some women internalize everything, and a good man will see it and help you get it out.

3.)    Psychologically-Yes, he should stimulate you mentally. Have you ever gone on a date and was bored out of your mind with the conversation? There are not many things in a relationship worst than a relationship where nothing is going on up top. IT’S A STARTLING REALIZATION WHEN YOU FIND THAT YOU ARE WITH SOMEONE BUT YOU ARE STILL ALONE!  Communication is also a byproduct of this point. There has to be open two-way communication. He should cause you to think about things you may have never thought of or push you to see further than where you are. The reverse of this is when a man has your mind. DON’T ALLOW A MAN TO CONTROL YOUR MIND TO A PLACE WHERE YOU HAVE NO MIND OF YOUR OWN. Most women say that will never happen, but when other areas are lacking and you are seeking more from him, he can control your mind if he convinces you that you are the root of the problem and he flees any responsibility in the matter. It also happens when you feel you keep attracting the same type of men or that none of them worked out. So you think what’s wrong with me? Let me diagnose it for you. What’s wrong with you is you were too far gone to realize he wasn’t the one.  INSTEAD OF FACING REALITY, YOU DECIDED THAT YOU COULD CHANGE HIM (You know because of all his potential.) My pastor said it best some time ago, “ONE OF THE RICHEST PLACES IN THE WORLD IS THE CEMETARY BECAUSE SO MANY DIED WITH THEIR POTENTIAL.” The scary thing is when a man has your mind and you don’t realize it until months or years later when you get a grip on reality. This also can happen when you are living in a false reality.

4.)    FINANCIALLY-This point and the 5^th point are the two that too many women focus on and simply settle for the last 2, neglecting the first 3 key points. Many marriages ended in part by financial struggles no doubt. However, many wealthy individuals divorce a lot too. The old saying goes; money can’t buy you love or happiness. Some of you say, but it’s a start..LOL.. Yes, a man should be able to support you financially. Most men get no better satisfaction when he knows he is able to support his family. Even if things get tough, the man should be innovative, of course not doing anything illegal. A good man will also not put you or his family in jeopardy. Sure, the world is in a recession and many are out of jobs, but a good man will also realize that where he is currently is not where he will end up. If he has done his job in the other 4 areas, you will stand by him and believe that things will work out. Too many women focus on wanting a man so they don’t have to worry about finances. I heard a multi-millionaire say that he has financial problems just like someone who is pay check to pay check. His problems are just on another scale. Many of them have and are dealing with foreclosures, bankruptcy, etc. It’s what you do during and after the storm that matters. The love of money is the root of all evil (1 Timothy 6:10). It didn’t say money is evil, but the love of it is.

I tell people all the time that the reason they make a big deal about money is that truthfully money scares them. I see women fall for the hype with some guys who talking about they chasing that money and they listen to them talk about it like it’s a god. Some look at the car they drive. Broke men can also have nice cars and homes for image sake. A GOOD MAN SHOULD PREFER TO LIVE BELOW HIS MEANS THAN ABOVE HIS MEANS. Living above it is truly a BROKE mentality. Usually, it is all talk. If a man is in God and wants more resources such as money and he takes action toward his goals and remains obedient….HE WON’T CHASE MONEY, MONEY WILL CHASE HIM. HE WON’T WORK FOR MONEY, MONEY WILL WORK FOR HIM!! Simple statement, but there is so much behind it. They need a wealthy attitude first, and that precedes money. Money IS A TOOL, NOT A GOAL. The quicker you see that the better.

5.)    Physically- Woooooow! Is this the last point? Yes, a man should support you physically. Yes, looks play a factor and it has to start with some form of attraction. You can be initially attracted to how the man speaks, carries himself, dresses, etc. You should feel secure with him. If a man likes to fight does not make him a man, it makes him a barbarian. If Jesus can turn the other cheek, so can we. Civil Rights leaders led peaceably and so can we. A good man leaves an inheritance for his children’s children… (Proverbs 13:22). That’s not just talking about money; a man should leave something for his children and their children to look up to. Let’s start with Integrity.

I have found for many women, if the other 4 points are met, physical attraction comes. I know this is a challenge area for some. It’s the same as when someone looks good to you, but their attitude makes them look bad. Ladies, have you ever seen someone in a relationship and think to yourself, now how did she get him? We won’t even touch on the misguided idea some have that you need to test drive the “car” before you buy it. You can focus on sex all you want in marriage, but when the dust settles and you grow older, that won’t be to the top of your list. If the other points are not met, then the sex won’t mean anything and you won’t even want to participate anymore.

Financial and Physical is what too many of you settle for. I assure you, if the other areas are not met, the relationship will not be fruitful. I also understand that some have to experience dating different people over time. Most of us have not gotten it right on the first, 2nd or 5^th tries. The key is that now you are maturing in that area. I hear women say all the time that they have a good man based off of one thing. A good man will possess all 5. That’s all for now. Stay Blessed.

Your  Singles Advisor,

Duke