Archive for September 2011

Question of the Week: What If We Want Each Other But Can’t Have Each Other?

September 28, 2011

Q: How do you handle a situation where you are dear friends with a guy? Both of you have expressed if it were not for distance you would be interested in pursuing a committed relationship. You love each other on a spiritual and more than friends level, but it cannot be more because of distance? Do you remain friends or cut it loose.

A: The long distance relationship dilemma is very common. Some individuals can handle long distance, and others cannot. It sounds as though the two of you have made it clear that long distance is not for you. Unless, one of you are against long distance relationships, while the other just went along with it. Either way, long distance relationships does require some patience, but it is doable. It all goes back to what one wants. I understand that because of distance, the time spent together will be much less.

However, we must look at the other side of this scenario. You both said that you would be interested in the potential of getting into a committed relationship if it were not for distance. We can use the “if” factor for a number of things. Things such as: “I would have pursued you if I wasn’t so busy.” I would have said something if I knew you had an interest in me too.”

The “If” factor is irrelevant at the end of the day. It is or it isn’t. It goes back to a choice that must be made. So, if you love each other as more than just friends, then what is going to be done about that? You both seem to be saying that you want each other, but can’t have each other. If he believes you to be the 1, he will pursue. It’s similar to those who are married to or in a relationship with someone in the military or someone who travels and are gone for an extended period of time. It takes adjusting, but some find a way to make it work, while others walk away. Sometimes it can become too taxing, but it all goes back to what you are willing to handle. You must know what to expect when you enter into situations as those, and when both parties come on board, they are saying that they accept the fact that distance will play a factor throughout their relationship.

Do you remain friends or cut it loose? Well, first let me pose a question. If you two managed to develop this love for one another as more than friends, did distance stop that from happening? Oooh, pick me! Pick me! My hand is raised…Pick me! Thank you. NO, distance did not stop that from happening. So, you managed to continue to foster this friendship at a distance, and apparently the feelings are still mutual. It doesn’t matter if you became friends before distance. The feelings are still mutual. Distance did not stop you both from contemplating the idea of getting into a committed relationship. So, I would suggest that you both really analyze the situation. Is distance being used as an excuse? Ok, if he was in China somewhere, that would make it that much more difficult to see one another often enough. However, there was a song out some many years ago by Monica. Some of the lyrics were, “I will cross the ocean for you, I will go and bring you the moon.” Another verse says, “If there is a mountain to move, I will move that mountain for you.” The words are self-explanatory.

I say all this to say that when it comes to relationships, it does not have to be a guessing game. It is or it isn’t. People have overcome greater obstacles to be with one another. It sounds like you two are good friends. So, you must decide how much you can handle as far as remaining friends. It should be easy to remain friends because you can’t be together because of distance right? You can be long distance friends and still develop feelings, but can’t be in a long distance relationship right? (wink).  That’s what you said in so many words. However, if you find that your feelings are becoming stronger towards this man; it may be best that you distance yourself some until you are confident you can handle the long distance friendship, which seems to be working just fine.

The long distance friendship is so strong until you are asking if you should cut him off as a friend. The question is coming up because once someone realizes they can’t have someone they want; it can very quickly change the dynamic of that “friendship.” Dig deeper and see the bigger picture here. If it will not be, it just will not be for whatever reason you two have come up with. That is ok. Move forward, and if you find that it is becoming harder for you, then it will be in your best interest to pull away. IF YOU WANT EACH OTHER BUT CAN’T HAVE EACH OTHER, GO FIND ANOTHER! That is all for now.

Your Singles Advisor,

The Duke