Archive for February 2011

Question of the Week: Are We More Than Friends?

February 21, 2011

Q: How can a woman get herself out of the “friend lane” to be someone a man will date seriously?

A: My dear subscriber. I could go a couple of different ways with this one, but I will keep it simple. At the end of the day, there is absolutely nothing that you can do to get out of the friend lane. You could go against all the principles I talk about and do a lot of things. You can try to position yourself. You could try to let him know you are interested. You could let him know exactly how you feel. You can participate in a song and dance. You can jump up and down with a sign that says, “can we be more than friends.” Those will not help your case. However, even if you do all of these things, it will not change how he ultimately feels. This goes back to 2 rules: 1.) If he never says and shows that he wants to be more than friends, DON’T ASSUME.

2.) A man knows what he wants…PERIOD.

Yes, I know that a woman also knows what she wants. At the end of the day, who wants to be with someone who you have to jump through hoops just to prove there is an interest? Yes, a man should work hard to get you because you are the gift. However, the work does not begin until there is proven interest. That is Relationship 101.  It does not take a lot to show that one is interested. Why would you want to get out of the friend lane if he apparently just wants to be friends? The fact that you have to wonder is already a caution flag. I do not know how long you have been in the friend lane, but of course, every relationship has to begin with some form of friendship. However, this goes back to intentions. What was his intention at the beginning, and what was your intention? If the 2 of you did not start on the right page, you could continue to operate on the wrong page.

You will cheat yourself EVERY TIME if you are in a situation where you have to do a lot of guesswork to know if he is interested or not. You will cheat yourself EVERY TIME if you have to put pressure on a man to commit. You may say that you don’t, but not many will admit that they applied pressure. You will cheat yourself EVERY TIME you have to try to interpret everything that he does. If he is interested and wants to be with you, it should be clear. Even if this was a friend that you knew for a while and just began to see him as more than friends. Guess what? The same way you had a change of heart is the same way he can have a change of heart. However, if he never says anything or shows it, then he did not have a change of heart.

Keep in mind that you are already someone a man would date seriously. This goes back to the core significance of Single For 1. You are Single for the 1 God ordained, not just any man. So, it doesn’t matter if you meet 20 men who do not want to date you seriously, the 1 will. As always, you always have a choice. You have your own standards. You can choose to not wait on the 1, and settle. There is such a thing as a counterfeit marriage. Remember, you have the ability to choose before that can happen. Yes, people may mess up along the way. You can never make excuses for what anyone else does, but you can always set a standard and know what you will or will not deal with.

Yes ladies, MEN ALSO HAVE STANDARDS. I promise you this one thing, not many men who are serious about getting married will want a woman who feels she has to position herself. He wants to earn his prize. If the truth be told, men like a challenge. Think about it, even boys try to act right for a little while if they are afraid they will lose you. The men who are acting like boys don’t want a challenge because they still want to play on the playground. The problem is you have been listening to the boys, and have allowed the boys to distort your view of men. Some men are hiding from the women who are always trying to position themselves. You can be hiding behind a rock, but the 1 will find you. As a woman, you must self-evaluate as well. The good men are doing their own thing because the good men also feel that too many good women are still playing around with boys. Shocking news to you, I know. Yes, there is also hope for the boys, because they too can become men. However, they should not be allowed in your circle until they mature into men. Age does not make you a man. There is nothing wrong with you, but too many of you have been listening to the wrong people. You have allowed boys to cause you to have a bad view of yourself.  Stay in the friend lane until you meet the man who could not bear to see you as just a friend. A man who will do all he must to get his gift. SET A STANDARD AND THE RIGHT ONE WILL EVENTUALLY COME. You all know that I love you all, but I cut no corners from the truth. Stop allowing boys to make you feel like something is wrong with you.  DON’T LISTEN TO THE WANTS OF A BOY TRYING TO GIVE YOU ADVICE ABOUT THE WANTS OF A MAN! Enough said. That is all for now.

Your Singles Advisor,

The Duke

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Question of the Week: Valentine’s Gift

February 16, 2011

Q:If you are just meeting a dude should you expect something from them on Valentine’s day. If you do or do not receive something is there a message behind it?

A: If you are just meeting a guy, you shouldn’t be expecting gifts at the beginning when you don’t even really know each other that well. You have no history with him for the gift to be that significant. I don’t believe that anyone should necessarily want a gift for Valentine’s Day if it is based off mere tradition or obligation alone. Yes, I hear some of you saying that a free gift is a free gift. However, you know what I mean. Is there truly something behind it? If he did choose to give you a gift, that is fine. However, let’s say that he did give you a gift, does this mean anything? Absolutely not. You are just meeting him, so at this point, even if there is an attraction, you are just getting to know him. So, if he did not get you a gift at this point, it does not mean anything and if he did get you a gift this early on it does not mean anything. It’s too soon to tell anything. Focus on getting to know the person before you are concerned about a gift. ANYONE IS QUALIFIED TO GIVE YOU A GIFT, BUT NOT EVERYONE IS QUALIFIED TO BE A GIFT. In other words, being a gift is showing love on more than just 1 day.

Everyone does not handle Valentine’s Day in the same way. Some see it as a reminder that you are single, others see it as a reminder that you are free from a bad relationship. You should prefer to be with the right one on Valentine’s Day rather than just any one. I know the day has come and gone, but you must realize that whether it is Valentine’s Day, Christmas or your birthday, you don’t want no fake love. You want the real deal. Even if you were all alone on Valentine’s Day, you were all alone for the 1. He could be all the way across the country, but if he is the 1, he will find you. In the meantime, it’s ok to celebrate with others.  I am also sure that many of you know people who celebrated with someone on Valentine’s Day and they know they settled. Even if they don’t admit it, you know that they settled. You are still in a position to where you can prevent that. Don’t settle for just a gift. The gift won’t keep you. Don’t settle for just any man. Always remember in every encounter that YOU ARE THE GIFT!! That is all for now.

Your Singles Advisor,

The Duke

Question of the Week: Tired of Being Single

February 9, 2011

Q: I hate always being the only 1 not on the single bandwagon. All of your posts are sooooo Women wait and Men be free spirits. Women hold out for the 1. You deserve it and Men screw everything while you can and say God is working on you. Makes me nauseated! I’m glad I decided not to date or even think about “men” because it is so 1 sided. And No I am not an angry black woman. I know you did not create the order, but we have fallen so far from where God intended us to be, but yet a woman is supposed to still uphold the Godly standard while a man doesn’t?? Yeah, all the women on your blog act like being single is the best thing since sliced cheese, and I am like, stop lying to yourself and faking it! I believe there are many single women who have found joy in the midst of their situation but I do not know one that is completely happy with being single. There is a difference.

A: I fully understand that there is a trend impacting many men and women that have taken us away from the way God intended. Whenever flesh is in control of something, it will never be right. However, I have and will never imply that men can do anything they want and just say God is working on them. As I’m sure you have read in many posts, this is the man who I encourage women to avoid and recognize the signs. The type of man you are referring to is not ready to be anyone’s 1 right now. Men need to hold up a standard as well. However, if you are impatient, then that can easily be the type of man you settle for if you are not careful. You have to know what your standards are. Your standard may not be another woman’s standard, but I sure hope it’s a high enough standard that you can truthfully be proud of. If all women came together and raised the bar by setting standards, many men would then be left with no choice but to get right.  I am reminding women that they are ultimately the gift, and that they need to take their rightful place back as the gift, not allowing any man to make them feel otherwise. Who cares if he makes you feel like he has so many choices so you should be happy with what you have. Now you are afraid and doing any and everything, even lowering your standards to keep an Imposter posing as the “1” around. As far as you are concerned, if he is not the 1, he shouldn’t have a Choice to be with you. I’m sure this concept may sound radical or seem difficult, but it is truth in black and white. Sure, it is difficult at times to stand up for what is right. It can get lonely at times. YOU SHOULD PREFER TO BE LONELY FOR A SEASON THAN MISERABLE FOR A LIFETIME.

I also fully intend to address men directly as well in the near future. However, if one does not desire to wait and hold out for the 1 God has, we all have free will. Post after post has been an effort to help women stray away from settling. The problem is impatience for men and women. The moment you get tired of waiting and do your own thing, you run into unnecessary trouble. If you are tired of waiting, you can stop waiting and take the first man who comes along. I have said before that it is not hard for a woman to get a man, but you shouldn’t want any man, you should want the man for you. Ask yourself, do you want temporary relief or permanent gain? I get rocks thrown at me all the time because ultimately, no one likes to wait. When did not waiting on God ever turn out for the best? We kick and scream, but His will has and always will be better than what we “think” we want or need.

The key is that while you are waiting, you are doing what you are supposed to do.  A husband is not your purpose. A wife is not a man’s purpose. WHEN YOUR DESIRE FOR A SPOUSE BECOMES STRONGER THAN YOUR DESIRE TO FULFILL YOUR PURPOSE, YOU ARE NOT READY! I assure you that if you were to really take a step back, there are many things that you could be doing in the mean time.  WHEN YOU FIND YOUR PURPOSE BEFORE A SPOUSE, YOU NOW HAVE SOMETHING YOU ARE LOOKING FORWARD TO RATHER THAN SOMEONE YOU ARE WAITING FOR!

I am not so convinced that you do not think about men. Let’s be honest here. If you were not thinking about a man, you would not have made your statement or posed any questions. You said you are not on the single bandwagon. So ultimately, you are tired of being single. If you were not, you also would not have said that many women are acting as though they are 100% happy being single. I understand that you are frustrated because of how things appear. Quite naturally, if one desires to marry, they do not desire to remain single.  Being single does not mean that you don’t have a desire to marry. There are women who are happy being single. However, this does not mean that you will not have moments. It only becomes an issue when you have more moments than you are happy.

You say that it is so 1 sided. There are great men available and great women. However, there are men who think there are few good available women and women who feel there are few good available men. When one makes this assumption, why entertain the thought of marriage? As I have stated numerous times before, you should not want just a man, you want a husband. That 1 husband that is for you is for you! You are Single For 1. So, it doesn’t matter how many you think are available. The 1 is available for you. There are men who need to clean up their act, and there are women who need to do the same. Single For 1 is not for the faint of heart. Single For 1 is a lifestyle. Single For 1 is a movement. You are Single for That “1” God has ordained for you. So, please get back on the bandwagon and give it a try. Thank you for your feedback. See you on the blog. That is all for now.

Your Singles Advisor,

The Duke

Dialogue With The Duke:He Can’t Make Up His Mind!

February 7, 2011

Dear The Duke,

I want to share a situation that I have dealt with not too long ago, and the main reason I am sharing this is because I want to help some other single person who may be in the same situation and for advice for myself to help bring a sense of closure. Last year I was in college, and I had a friend who introduced me to a guy she knew. She told him, “Hey, I think you and this young lady (talking about me) would really hit it off well.” That night she gave him my number and we talked over the telephone that night and it was that night that I sensed that this young man had a calling on his life. I didn’t ask him about it the first night nor did he mention it to me. So, our conversation continued, which he confirmed that he was indeed a man of the cloth. I could feel that our connection was getting stronger, for he had made it known that in time, and with much prayer and seeking the face of God, he wanted to make it official. I felt the same way, like I said the connection was there, and it was mostly a spiritual connection.

I began praying that God would have His way through us and the relationship as a whole. The young lady who introduced us was asking me if we were still talking and how we were doing. I told her that we were fine, and she told me that if the young man came to me to become more than friends that I should tell him no because he wasn’t ready for a relationship. I became very confused at this point because I could not understand that if she felt this way, why would she even take the time to have introduced us.

To shorten the story a little, I talked to the young man about it and I continued to pray. We made it official in February 2010. I couldn’t find a reason why we shouldn’t have been together, and the young lady (my friend) never told me why she felt the way she did. I understood and I had no problem with him and her being friends, as they were friends before the relationship between him and I. However, it came to the point of late night talking where she was calling him in the wee hours of the morning and things of that sort. Yes, I know he had a responsibility to me because we were in a relationship. She also had a responsibility because she was my friend and one that I felt was my sister in Christ. She was one I prayed with and for. I take my prayer time very seriously and this young lady saw me at my most vulnerable times.

One day in April the young man contacted me and stated that God had to do a work in him and the way God was showing himself in me, he really had to get himself together so that we could remain friends. He said that if it was God’s will, we would reconnect.  I admit that I was hurt, but I can’t fight what God does. I began my healing process.  I stayed in my word and in prayer. August came around and I was not in the same city. He contacted me through email because we lost contact as far as the phone was concerned.  In the email, he said how the Lord had been dealing with him concerning our relationship as well as to where God wanted to take me. I emailed him when I got back in town because I knew I had to consult with God.

I contacted him and I told him to call me because I felt that was not a conversation to have over email. So he called me and the connection (which, I felt had never left) was still there. After a few conversations, we decided to try it again. We did, and everything was fine until I was told that his friends would never accept me (still to this day I don’t know why).  So, we broke up again, and I am trying to find a sense of closure to the whole thing. So, if you or anyone can shed light on this I would greatly appreciate it.

The Duke’s Response: Thank you for your email. To begin with, there are already too many hands in this pot. We have you, your ex boyfriend, a mutual friend of the both of you and his friends that supposedly would never accept you. That is already enough for a starting 5 for a basketball team. In any relationship, the more hands involved can create unnecessary drama. There is nothing wrong with advice, but you should always be careful who you take advice from. Taking advice from individuals who have a vested interest in the situation or a conflict of interest can spell trouble. Let’s dig into the meat of what is really going on.

So, you have a friend who played matchmaker. You and the young man hit it off in the beginning. You said that immediately, there was a spiritual connection. This is good. However, it is also easy to turn what was simply supposed to be a spiritual connection into something more. That can make things complex. While on the other hand, having that connection with the 1 you are supposed to be with is vital.

The female friend who introduced the 2 of you came back around and said that you and the young man should not get together because he was not ready for a relationship. Ok, this is a red flag already. You said that she is someone you pray with and someone who have seen you at your most vulnerable times. You said that she also called the young man on the phone late at night. I would imagine that if she was as close as you say, and as close to your male friend as you say, shouldn’t she have known if the 2 of you were still talking? I would think that either you or the young man would have made this known if you were as close as you say.

Now, she never told you why he was not ready to be in a relationship. It could be very possible that she knew something you didn’t. I’m sure some of my subscribers to the blog may think that your friend and the young man had something going on. I am not so sold on that idea at this point. I believe that she may have known things that he was doing or things about him that you were not made aware of. Perhaps the reason she did not tell you is because she had a conflict of interest. She was your friend and his friend. You stated that you were confused. She introduced the 2 of you because at first, she really did believe that you 2 would be a good match. However, there is no question something changed after that.

I understand that this was in college, so people do tend to stay up late on campus in college. So, I do not know if you and the young man were talking on the phone late at night or were around each other late at night when your friend called him in the early morning hours. I am also going to assume that he told her that he was having a conversation with you at the time of the late call. However, you and the young man made it official that you were together in February, but he came back 2 months later to say that he had to get himself together because of what he saw God doing in you. So, this sounds to me that he was not ready for a serious commitment. Now, the question is, what happened in that short time frame for him to have such a change of heart? I highly doubt it that it was just his revelation from God to back away. There is a strong possibility that your friend was on to something about him not being ready. Again, she knew something you did not know.

Now, 4 months later, he pops back up saying that the Lord was dealing with him about you two. It sounds to me that he already knows that the only way he can even begin to have true conversation with you is by bringing the Lord into it. You cannot depend on his interpretation; you must hear God for yourself. If this conviction was so strong, I ask you, why did his friends not accepting you cause the 2 of you to breakup?  It sounds to me that he came back around for something that you may have left out of this story. I am not going to come out and say the 2 of you were intimate, but for him to be jumping in and out of a relationship with you and then going on his way lets me know if it was not intimate, it was certainly something that kept him coming back. I want to say it was the anointing on your life, but his conviction was not strong enough if he says the Lord said 1 thing, but he can’t make up his mind. Something or someone is distorting his view. You said that at the beginning, the connection was mainly spiritual. I truly believe that there was a spiritual connection, but it was quickly distorted with other things. Again, too many people were involved.

It makes absolutely no sense as to why his friends would not accept you. If this were the case, he knew this before you got back together. Also, it sounds to me that the friends who would not accept you are likely females. He was probably telling them everything about your relationship together, or he left out key details. It was probably one-sided, so they probably viewed you in a certain way. I don’t know any males who would care who their male friends were with unless it was a very bad situation.

All in all, you said that you originally got back together after a few conversations. You were still not over him. You let him back in too quickly, which is why he was able to jump ship so quickly. IF YOU LET A MAN IN THE DOOR WITH LITTLE EFFORT, IT MAKES IT MUCH EASIER FOR HIM TO WALK OUT THE DOOR WITH LITTLE EFFORT. I am quite confident that he will pop back up again in the near future. He was not ready for a true commitment. When he broke up with you the 1st time, he said that he had to get himself together so you could remain friends. What was he getting together so much that it required complete separation and no communication for 4 months? Other things and people were on his mind, that’s what! He still wanted to be a free man to do what he wanted. Bottom line is he was just not ready for commitment to you. He doesn’t sound like a bad guy. He sounds like a guy who just does not know what he wants, not realizing the impact the emotional rollercoaster would have on you. A MAN WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHAT HE WANTS IS A MAN WHO DOES NOT CARE WHAT HE GETS. When a man is in this state, he may get confused and fall for anything or anyone. A man in this state is not relationship ready. He would be unsteady. A man in this state would not recognize the true gift that a good woman is. The problem is that he was not upfront with you. All he had to say was that he didn’t see the relationship going any further and that he wanted to move on. He chose to dress it up with nicer words. When he got bored, he came back. I suggest you let him get himself together on someone else’s watch. If he was really into you, he would have gotten himself together with you by his side for the fear of him losing you. I heard you talk about a lot of what he said, but little of what he did. Action gives feet to words.

Continue your healing process. He has closure in his mind, but you have to take 1 day at a time. Continue to pray and focus on what you have to focus on. Keep dreaming, keep believing and the 1 will come. That is all for now.

Your Singles Advisor,

The Duke

For a chance to get a response and advice to your relationship questions or situations, feel free to send an email to singlefor1@gmail.com

Question of The Week: Texting vs. Talking

February 1, 2011

Q: Do you think a guy has communication issues if they would rather text than talk? One guy asked me did I want to marry him over a text… ???? when I received this text I did become upset and fussed @ him b/c this is not something you send over a text. It was misconstrued… He didn’t mean for now… But I’ve noticed most guys are doing this now.

A: I touched on this text messaging frenzy briefly in a blog post in July 2010 entitled, “5 Things Not To Get Excited About When A Man Does This!” Refer back to that as well.

Text messaging, emailing, facebook/twitter messaging, etc are new ways to hide or test out your reaction without actually saying anything. So, as you have noticed, some men enjoy texting to avoid having an actual conversation. Some men say things through text message to test what your reaction will be. It’s easy to hide behind a text message because if you respond in a different way from what they were hoping, they can always use the famous line… “I was just joking.” I’m sure they were just joking after you embarrassed them. Well, it was a text message, so it is hard to determine when someone was joking or when they were serious. I understand that during the day when individuals are at work, it may be easier to communicate through text, but after work hours, communication on the phone is necessary to really get to know someone. A man can text you and be sitting with another woman. A man can text you and tell you how much they miss you and be on a date with another woman. So, it is easy to hide behind a text message.

You are right, text messages can easily be misconstrued. The guy who sent you the text message to marry him was likely testing you out to see your reaction. That is not something you communicate through text message. It clearly is not something he is serious about because that would require a serious verbal and face to face communication. He didn’t mean for now? Well, what he really wanted to know was how you would react. That is absolutely not something that you play with, especially if one or both of you already have feelings involved.

If he would rather text than talk, he may not necessarily have a communication problem, but he may have a communication problem with you. I guarantee you that he has to have clear communication in other areas in his life, and when he wants something, he has no problem communicating that with anyone. Texting and emailing are simply upgrades from writing letters and sending postcards. Those are only temporary means of communication, but never permanent.

Hiding behind the text message is a major trend. Individuals are asking others to pay bills, borrow money, babysit, borrow your car, go out on a date, deliver bad news, express how they felt about a situation, fuss, etc all through text messaging. Many are using text messaging and emails to ask questions they are afraid to ask in person or over the phone.

Ultimately, text messaging should never be a primary mode of communication. It should only serve as an alternative when one is currently unable to talk on the phone. Keep your eyes and ears open to see if a man communicates a lot of information through text, rather than on the phone. If  the majority of his invitations to go out or how he feels about you is through text message, that is a major red flag. Let me give you an example to see how too much texting can be problematic and misleading. Those who know me well know that I am not a fan of mass text messages or forwards. I like them to be personalized, whether it is a special holiday or not. It is likely that I will not respond if I feel it was sent to a mass group of individuals. There may be a few exceptions. So, think about this…It is very possible that 1 man can send the same text message to 5 women and you would never know. “I miss you” can be spoken in numerous languages. It could be the luck of the draw, whoever responds is the one that could get the conversation that night from him. This is why verbal communication should always be primary. Please don’t fall for the excuse that he does not like to talk on the phone much. If he is serious about you then, if he can text, he can talk. Period!! That is all for now.

Your Singles Advisor,

The Duke