Posted tagged ‘give and take’

All I Want For Christmas Is A Mate: 3 Gifts You Will Need From Them Upon Arrival

December 20, 2012

christmas pic

We are 5 days away from another Christmas. This year seems to have gone by so fast. While many are dashing to the stores or searching online for last minute gift ideas and sales, if you are single, one thing still remains the same and that is the fact that you are still single. Not as though you need a reminder. You have checked your list and checked it twice and the one thing that still remains on the list that may have been on the Christmas wish list last Christmas or the previous Christmas or for many Christmas’ is your all for one, full package, all the accessories included Mate. (more…)

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The Take Bandit

September 6, 2012

We all understand that in relationships, there is the give and take effect. You both give and you both take. It’s a fair exchange. Yes, there are sacrifices that will be made along the way by both parties, but notice that I said sacrifices by both parties. This concept has been lost on too many individuals. I have been seeing this occur more frequently than I would like, so it deserves the necessary attention. The “Take Bandit” has found its way into relationships and is sucking people dry. What is even worse is that the “Take Bandit” is taking even before it gets into a relationship. The bottom line is that some of you are giving and giving and giving and all the other person is doing is taking and taking and taking. What makes matters worse is when you accept it and even make excuses for it. I have said time and time again that anyone can come up with a lie or an excuse and actually make themselves believe it. If an individual is taking something, they should also be able to give in relationships.

There are too many individuals giving, but aren’t getting much back in return. For some who are getting “something” back in return, that is about all it is, a piece of something. It is not even worth discussion because you have lowered your standard to accept far less than what you deserve. You give your time, love, commitment, etc and you get a physical body in return. Is that enough?  If it is, that’s the easiest job in the world. If all a person has to do is show up and you are satisfied, you have sold yourself beyond short. Many are doing it and many are showing up and signing up for that steal of a deal. All the “Take Bandit” knows how to do is take.

I don’t want to hear the list of excuses that your or someone you know comes up with as to why you think the “Take Bandit” takes and gives little in return. I’ve heard it all: “But they were neglected as a child”… “They were the only child, so they can be kind of selfish”…. “They have been hurt so much and I don’t think they realize it”… “They are still going through a healing process” (a healing process that has taken years? How do you know they think they need healing?) “It doesn’t really bother me because you shouldn’t do anything if you are looking for something in return.” The list goes on and on and on. If you want to rear an adult as a child, I heard a few stores are running sales on pampers and pacifiers. If this is the conscious or unconscious belief you subscribe to, you may as well become an extreme couponer because you are in for an expensive journey that will cost way more than money. Money is the least of your concerns because money can never replace time!

Let me focus on the part where some say that you shouldn’t expect anything in return. You are partially correct my friend, but partial is still incorrect. Yes, you should not do something for someone and look for something in return. You shouldn’t have to do this because in a relationship, you are supposed to relate. Not only that, but if you have a goal towards marriage, the 2 are supposed to be working on becoming 1. That is hard to do if 1 is trying to become 2. That causes burnout and can lead to resentment in the long run. Who wants to be a slave in a relationship? Don’t you think it’s kind of bad if you feel like a prisoner in a relationship and you were free when single? The sad part is to be in a relationship and you don’t realize that you’re in a mental prison.

Gray areas are never good if it is not addressed. A friend of mine said something to me recently that made a lot of sense. They said, “If you remain silent, Satan will talk to fill in the space.” In other words, if you don’t communicate and there is room for doubt and uncertainty, your thoughts can fill in the empty space. If there are gray areas in the relationship, it is not a relationship. Relationship does not take guess work. You know if you are in 1 or not, Period!!

I’ve heard some married women say that their husband is like one of the kids. I can assure you this; he didn’t become a big kid over night. What you accept will become the norm. What is 1 of my #1 rules? Check bad habits early and often! This is one of the most common contributors to women begin to do everything in a relationship. I remember when I had this bad habit many years ago. I would say things like, “but you do that better than me.” I would say this because I didn’t really want to do it, but I was reminded early and often that it would get done the right way. My mom taught it to me and the right kind of woman reinforced that with me when I tried to create a bad habit.  The biggest mistake you can make as a woman is to jump in and do it for the man because he doesn’t handle something correctly. That is a teachable moment. Let me pause to say that I am not bashing the men who do it right, but I’m calling out the ones who need to get it right! I applaud every man who is taking care of business. My point is, it makes no sense to treat a mentally competent adult like a child. I was told, “You will do it until you get it right.” Break bad habits early.

Let me set some of you free right now. I have seen this happen time and time again. I just had this conversation earlier in the week. If you learn this lesson prior to getting married, you will be much happier. There is this belief that as long as the man is working and bringing home the check, that’s all he has to do. I understand that dynamics in some homes may be slightly different based on the structure, but let’s examine this for a second. If you were married and you had a child at home with you and your husband worked, who do you think has it easier? We won’t even get into what it looks like if you both will be working a job. I have spoken with enough mothers to know that the person on that 8 hour job has some bit of freedom at work as opposed to being home with a little child alllllllllll day! There are a lot of demands that comes with that. It requires a lot of time, energy and attention. That is a job. When he gets home, you would need a break. Some men believe that all it takes is bringing the money home.

There is more to providing than just a check. For example, if someone was paying child support, money is only 1 aspect of providing for a child. A provider offers support to the entire household, not just in the pocket. If you have a poverty mindset, you will believe that as long as the man brings the money, that’s all that is needed. What about also providing spiritually, emotionally, psychologically and physically? If financially is all that he provides, he is in a deficit. Also, providing physically is far more than sex. Do you help make the other persons load lighter? That is an indicator if you are providing physically in its totality.

Ya’ll need to have these conversations. Well, let me correct that because you don’t need to have conversations with everyone. I have discovered that some women in marriages feel like a robot and then feel forced to fulfill their “sexual obligations” to supposedly keep him happy while still feeling the need to cook, clean and take care of the kids. Who wants to have sex out of obligation? You do know at that point it’s just sex right?  It’s not true intimacy. It’s not making love because she truly doesn’t feel the love that she needs. What husband will feel good knowing that is happening? That should check the ego at the door so that he can find out how to make it better.

The key is in knowing what makes each other happy. If the focus is just on 1 person being happy, you have invited the “Take Bandit” into your life. Men, if there is a consistent team effort going on, I assure you that you will have nothing to worry about. YOU CAN’T LOVE A POTENTIAL MATE HOW YOU WANT TO BE LOVED; YOU HAVE TO LOVE THEM HOW THEY NEED TO BE LOVED! If you can grasp this concept, it will help you not to be a “Take Bandit.” Many people are frustrated because they are trying to love a person based on what they like, not what the other person likes.  Your heart may flutter from a nice gift, but their heart may flutter from a nice hug or walk in the park. Sometimes, it is the simple things in life that a person cherishes. One of my best friends takes cards very seriously. She knows if the person who gave her a card really put thought into it. Some individuals feel better knowing that you put a lot of creative thought into doing something for them, as opposed to just getting them something.Get to know the person you’re getting to know.

You must conduct an honest self-examination to see if you are the “Take Bandit” or the one being taken from. If you are neither, that is good news. The “Take Bandit” should have no place in your life to take anymore. Keep these principles in your mind while you are single and don’t compromise it. You will thank yourself in the end. There are some married people who are envious of you because they wish they had your freedom. Some are envious of you because they wish they had done it the right way. Yes, every relationship will require work, but you can cut down on some headaches if you remind yourself of your standard early and often! Remember that you are Single For 1. That is all for now.

Your Singles Advisor,

The Duke