Archive for October 2011

Question of the Week: Is It Just Me or do all men….??

October 12, 2011

Question: 1.) I’ve heard a few brothers state that they will know their wife when they see her.  Even stating that there are so many fine women out there, it’s hard to choose. You don’t know where to start; it’s like an all you can eat, I guess.  With all the progressive, saved, attractive, smart, funny, working, owning their own homes and most of all living in their God designed purpose, why is it that black saved men continue to lament that they are still waiting and seeking God for a wife?  And some haven’t dated in years. Is there a lack, despite the notion that there are many “good women out there?”  Are men overwhelmed, passive or looking for something unobtainable..perfection?

2.) Why is it when you go to a single’s event, supposedly to meet other singles, including the opposite sex, that the women have fun while the men stand on the walls?  If you scan the room it’s like Sunday morning at 11:00AM, the most segregated day and time of the week?  I never understand that when I go to these functions.  Women have more fun dancing, talking, laughing, and fellowshipping with each other, while brothers sit and stand on the sidelines, “claiming that they didn’t come to meet anyone.” Is it a crime to fellowship with sisters?  Have women created a wall between men and women to the degree that men are uncomfortable with socializing because they are thinking that the woman will take his gesture for more than what it is?  But then again, I get tired of making the woman the scapegoat for a man’s inadequacies.

Answer: Greetings my dear subscribers. Now, don’t we have some interesting questions today? It was so much until it had to be a 2 part question. Well, let me jump right on into it.

Well, you know by now that I say it over and over again that the man is to pursue. So, yes, a man will know who his wife is when he knows who his wife is. Now that timeline is not necessarily all on him if God is in fact leading. There is no time limit on when that should happen. There could be a room full of attractive, intelligent and great women. However, does that mean that his wife is in that room? No. On the other hand, that has nothing to do with having conversations and getting to know others who are attending the singles event. I mean, you are at a singles event. Even if you are supposedly not there to meet anyone, did you come to stare at a wall? You can do that at home. So, I hear your frustration with that.

I have noticed a significant pattern over the years. We seem to have 3 classifications of men when it comes to social settings. They are either very annoying and or socially awkward, very sociable or rather shy. It typically does not take long for women in the room to detect which one falls into which category. However, let me also come to the defense of those men who try to talk to different women at these events. There are women who attend single social events who get upset because the same guy who they were not interested in later tried to talk to another person that they knew. Well, it is apparent he is looking to meet someone. So, if one turns him down, does that mean he is supposed to go stand on the wall? No, he is there because he is looking. If he does not know you, how would he know if another woman he tried to have a conversation with was a friend or acquaintance of yours? I know that in some cases, they do. However, that is a different topic. So, some women do need to make up their minds. If he does not interest you, let him keep it moving. However, don’t get upset because he tried to talk to someone else in the room that you just happen to know. He saw what caught his interest and made a move. Granted, I suppose that is not the type of guy this question is pertaining to.

I will not categorize these scenarios to be related to men of one specific race. These scenarios are no respecter of color. It happens in a number of different social settings and mixed settings. However, if he is a Christian man seeking a Christian woman to potentially marry, I would be proud to know that he is not running after just any pretty face. I have said this in other posts, “men have to wait as well.” Sure, the woman waits for the man to pursue. However, if he is led by God, which is what you should want, then he too must wait for God to show him. Now, without being overly spiritual, if you are at a singles event, you should socialize. You can’t get to know someone until you actually have a conversation with them. I am a man; I have consulted other men and had conversations with some. I know that quite a number of men who attend singles functions are not there for their health. Even if a man is shy, if he is really interested in a woman, he will eventually get the courage to say something. If you are a man and are shy when it comes to approaching women, you need to pay a visit to The Duke so we can work on that, so you can pursue your potential wife.

Some men have not dated for years, just as some women have not dated for years. A number of things could play into that, which for the sake of time, I will not delve into. However, you answered your own question. You said some men say it’s so hard to choose because there are so many great women to choose from until it’s like an all you can eat buffet. Well, if it was like an all you can eat buffet, why is it that you say some men have not dated in years? If the buffet was so wide, he should have a date all the time if I were to follow your theory. Now, if he was a chronic dater or a guy who casually dated, then sure he could date a lot. However, if he is seeking a wife, those numbers should be lower. The same applies to women who may have not dated in years or that often. You then go on to say that perhaps men are overwhelmed, passive or seeking perfection. What’s interesting is the same things you are saying is the same thing some men say about women.

It’s almost like this tug of war. Some men say women act like they don’t want to speak at single events when they approach. Some women say men act like they can’t speak at these events. Well, I sure hope someone is talking. Some women say men must be seeking perfection, while some men say women must be seeking perfection. This all goes back to the need for more dialogue between men and women, which is what Single For 1 aims to do. Just because a man did not leave with your phone number does not mean he wasn’t there to meet someone. However, there are men who leave frustrated because they tried and could not get anyone’s phone number. It all depends on who you ask.

I assure you that there are not many men out there who will say that there is a lack of great women available. If he does say that, he is barely looking, that is for sure. I will also say to women, that contrary to popular belief, there is not a lack of good men. The two just needs to come together more often. I encounter both everyday.

Some men will stand on the wall just in an attempt to be cool. I can understand standing there for a while as you scan the room to see where you will eventually migrate to. However, standing on the wall all night is indeed pointless. If the only person he got to know something about that night was the wall, then we have a problem. I also understand that a lot of times, women come to singles events in groups. So, you may know everyone in your group and have a great time. So, he may see you standing out in the crowd, but you are having so much fun, he would have to interrupt you for a conversation. I have seen this go 1 of 2 ways. Either, the woman will stop and talk or she will act disinterested while her girlfriends are looking at the man like he is crazy for interrupting what they had going on. Granted, if you are disinterested, that is perfectly ok. No need to waste time. However, at least give the conversation a fair chance. Don’t be rude about it. You did ask if it is a crime to fellowship with women. It is not, but if your security team of friends are blocking everyone who comes around, that too can be a problem. Sometimes, women also forget that they are single and desire a spouse when they are having a good time at these events. If you already know them, I know it’s comfortable to hang with them all night. However, you didn’t come to see them now did you? Some men are not fans of packs. This of course is no excuse for a man. If he sees someone he is interested in, he should pursue. I make no excuses for men nor do I make any for women. Because, well, quite frankly The Duke does not like excuses!

Overall, when we are talking about Christian men and women who desire the 1 God has for them, there is not a woman problem or a man problem. Oftentimes, it is a communication problem. Too often, the two sides make assumptions that are flat-out wrong. Some men say, “I didn’t approach her because she was surrounded by all her friends.” Some women say, “He didn’t approach me because he came to play games.” Both could be wrong and don’t even know it. Stop assuming. When you don’t have communication, you will always be left with assumptions. Assumptions don’t work so well when you don’t know someone. Sometimes, it seems like both are out at shore at times, but we will make it to land sooner than later. Remember, you are Single For 1. That is all for now.

Your Singles Advisor,

The Duke