Archive for February 2010

It’s Because You Have a Bad Attitude…Or Is It?

February 24, 2010

I hear single women say this all the time….Men say they can’t handle your attitude. Is this really the issue? First, we will diagnose what this so-called attitude is and why this is often an excuse. Now don’t get me wrong, there are some people who have legitimate attitudes and get mad at the smallest of things. However, we all have things that can press our buttons in some way or another. This is not always a bad thing. Jesus even got a little attitude when folk were in the temple doing everything except praying. So, he came in the temple and started turning tables over and clearing everyone out (Mark 11:15-17). There were times in the Old Testament when God would become very displeased and was angry with the people for their disobedience and constantly being hard headed and stiffnecked (Exodus 32:9-10). Both of these examples were types of attitudes that were formed due to others not doing what they were supposed to do. However, after these examples, lessons were taught and learned in the midst of it. Many of you have gotten negative attitudes because the man did not do what they were supposed to do. One of the worst things a man can do to a woman is to make a promise he does not keep. That’s an easy recipe for a negative attitude and for trust to be put on trial. A woman does not like to have to remind a man to do something over and over again. A woman should not have to fight for time, because when he is the one, he will make time.

Dictionary.com defines Attitude as: A position of the body or manner of carrying oneself; A state of mind or a feeling; disposition; An arrogant or hostile state of mind or disposition. The latter part of the definition is negative. Now, you don’t want to be hostile or arrogant with your attitude. The problem is that too many women are answering to the name some men have given you. So, you embrace that you have a bad attitude and carry on with the mindset of so what deal with it, they can take it or leave it. If you look at the other parts of the definition, then you will see that we all have a way in which we carry ourselves, a state of mind and a feeling. Therefore, we all have an attitude in some way shape or form.

Someone posed the question, how do you break a life time of bad habits and begin to trust again and deal with all the hurt? The so-called “negative” attitude is deeper than what meets the eye. Some of it is because you are tired of men playing games and playing with your emotions. Some of it could be because of men who have hurt you in the past, so you still need to heal. Some of it could be that you just have a strong personality that can be misconceived as an attitude if you are not with the right person. Some of it could be due to things you dealt with as a child and life in general. Some of it may be a form of protection so no one thinks you are a pushover. All of these issues require healing. This healing is a day-to-day journey, but you must 1st recognize you need healing and then trust God to heal you. If you put more of your trust in the man, where is the room for God? Last I checked, God is the one that sends the man. For some of you, you were not always on edge, but when your love was taken advantage of; you got tougher skin and now feel the need to be on the defensive.

There is nothing wrong with protecting yourself, because the man God sends will have a key to your heart to break beyond the surface. There was an old song that said, “One man can make one woman hate all men.” However, it also only takes 1 man sent by God to make all of the other mess not matter anymore. It took 1 man Adam to mess things up for humankind, but it took 1 man Jesus to put us back in right relationship with God. Yes, some of you know when your attitude has gone too far and know that you are a work in progress.

When a man says you have an attitude and he doesn’t want to deal with you. Guess what? IF A MAN CAN’T WAIT WITH YOU, HE CAN’T MATE WITH YOU!  He is not the one for you, because the one for you will see beyond it all and will be with you through the healing process. We all had to be healed or delivered from something. Also, like we said before, an attitude is not a bad thing. The healing needed  is from the past hurts that impact what you are dealing with now. I know people who didn’t understand why I didn’t walk away after their anger and attitude caused them to curse me out, etc just because something I said or did that reminded them of something else. I have dealt with women who felt that there just had to be something that I wanted because no one does nice things without looking for something in return. I could see beyond who they were at the moment and could see much more in them, but because God sent me and connected us for a purpose, I was able to endure. I have seen some of them completely change and healed. Some of them are doing great things. This was situations with just friends. So, that concept that your attitude is a turn off is an EXCUSE. There are components of your misconceived attitude that may compliment the man God will send, but it certainly will not work with the wrong man. You know the parts of your attitude that needs work from the parts that help make you who you are.

For example, historically I have been extra nice that caused me to burn out.  It was good to have been with people with a specific type of attitude who could step in and say you need to know how to say no. They had the ability to put a fear of God in me like no other. Some people could not handle their type of attitude. Though they came across tough at times, it was the type of toughness and attitude that I needed and it complimented my personality. While everyone was praising me, they had the ability to keep me balanced. One woman reminded me to not allow it to get to me and to stay focused. This type of women had the ability to tell me what everyone around me would not say. They saw what everyone around me could not see. I call this type of women with this type of attitude, women with some bulldog in them. This type of women are very classy and can adapt to any environment, but they also have the ability to put someone in their place or tell someone about themselves in such a way, the other party don’t realize they just got told off.  You can’t push them around, and they can be very nice, but can lay down the law when need be. This type of person has the ability to give a strong opinion, but those who can’t handle them perceive their opinion as a fact and can easily become offended or intimidated by them because they are so comfortable within themselves. So, I felt they were wrong because no one else saw what they saw or said what they said to me. So, I was not in a place to fully embrace it at the time. It would likely turn into an argument and then when I thought about it, most times they were right and I would have to apologize. They truly cared.

One particular woman who comes to mind said something to me years ago that I will never forget. She said, “PEOPLE LOVED YOU BECAUSE THEY THOUGHT YOU WERE PERFECT, I LOVED YOU BECAUSE I KNEW YOU WERE NOT.”

Yes, there will be compromise when two are trying to become one. However, the mistake you made and may have made continually was to compromise with the wrong one. That is another recipe for a bad attitude. I’m not saying it will be an easy process, but you have to make the decision to move forward. You should be happy when you find out early what the guy is all about so your time is not wasted. When you hang around, it is apparently because you currently are in a position where you enjoy your time to be wasted. At some point, there comes a time when you finally say enough is enough. Look at it this way; you have gone through enough to see a knockoff when it comes. What you have dealt with, you can help others in the future to try to avoid some of the mistakes you made. Embrace your attitude because in this Singles process, only the strong survive. That’s all for now. Stay Blessed.

Your  Singles Advisor,

Duke

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Single For 1 Purpose!

February 11, 2010

Single For 1 means that you are single for that 1 person God has ordained for your life.  The worldview may sometimes portray being single as a bad thing or an opportunity for a big party to do whatever you want when you want without any consequences. However, if you are not responsible as a single, you will not automatically become responsible when you are married. If you are selfish when you are single, you will not naturally become selfless when married.  Being Single is a transitional stage into being married, so continue to prepare while you are in transition.

 Everyone has to be  or was single at some point in their life. So, when someone asks why are you single, you can say, “I’m Single For 1 or Single For the 1”. When you understand this, you will realize that it is not necessary for you as a woman to feel the need to have to date so many men to finally get to Mr. Right. Granted, there is nothing inherently wrong with dating, but sometimes women date because it is something to do rather than to date with a purpose. There is joy in knowing that the “1” has to find you as a single woman. However, when he finds you, you must also be able to confirm within yourself that he is the “1”.

Five men can ask you to marry them, but only 1 of them is the “1.” So, it takes that gift on the inside of you to be able to identify and know the difference between a copy and the Original. You may get some copies that seem close to the Original, and too many women settle for just the copy. However, when you meet the original, you will be able to quickly tell that the others were just copies.

Single For 1 is a weekly blog intended to address numerous topics in reference to relationships for single women. This blog is intended to encourage you on your journey. Duke will not only encourage you, but your fellow sisters will as well. This blog is from a male perspective with female feedback. This will be a community where you can share your experiences, concerns, comments and suggestions as a single woman. One of the greatest ministries is the ministry of experience, so feel free to share them with everyone here. Many more weekly posts to come. That’s all for now. Stay Blessed.

Your Singles Advisor,

Duke