Archive for November 2011

When Love Doesn’t Love You Back: 3 Myths About Love!

November 30, 2011

I cannot begin to count how many conversations I have had with individuals who are in love with someone, but they are not receiving the same love back. Rejection is never a good feeling. Love is a powerful word that has the ability to overcome anything. There are many songs that have been written with different perspectives on love. The Spinners had a song that said “Love Don’t Love Nobody.” Eve had a song entitled, “Love is Blind.” Some of the lyrics said, “Love is blind, and it will take over your mind. What you think is love is truly not. You need to elevate and find.” Beyonce had a song entitled, “Crazy in Love.” Luther Vandross had a song called, “The Power of Love.” We could go on for weeks about these songs about love. Each artist tried to paint a picture of what they saw as love. Well, we know that love is powerful and when you truly love someone, it can sometimes cause you to act off of emotion and ignore facts that are right in front of you. We know it is powerful because scripture tells us in 1 Corinthians 13 that out of faith, hope and love, the greatest of these is love. Scripture also tells us that God is love.

So, if we know all this about love, it’s a hurtful feeling when “love doesn’t love you back.” Sure that’s a saying because of course love is an action and it requires effort. Love needs a person to activate it. I’m sure many of you have been in love at least once. That heartbreak of no longer being with that person you were in love with seems like the end of the world. You may have fought hard to restore the relationship, but it was over. Some of you may be in a situation right now where you truly love someone, but they are not returning the favor. You wrestle between when it’s just time to walk away. It seems like everywhere you go and everything you do, something reminds you about that person and then you get that weird feeling in your stomach. Some of you had to pray, Lord please just take this pain away. I don’t know how much more I can take.

I have stated on more than one occasion that every woman I have been in a relationship with were great women, and we all are still friends to this day. The Duke knows how this feels, as I have had the distinct privilege of being in love twice in my brief time on this earth. The Duke didn’t always have the answers. The problem I ran into was I fell in love with these women when the relationship had already run its course. I wrestled and wrestled because I wasn’t sure if they were the 1. It was a lot of back and forth and the bottom line is that when a woman makes up her mind, there’s not much more you can do after that. Can you believe it? I spent 4 years waiting on 1 woman because I was so in love and knew she was the one. However, she was emotionally drained before my 4 year wait even began. By that time, she felt that she wasn’t good enough. Of course, those were never my intentions. However, in those 4 years she was also inconsistent as she flirted with the idea of us getting back together, but was afraid, etc. She called me out of the blue on numerous occasions talking a different talk, and of course it gave me hope.  Those 4 years seemed like 20. I’m telling you, I would not wish that feeling I had on my worst enemy. I’ll say it again, I would not wish that feeling I had on my worst enemy. Can you believe the Duke even shed a tear or two? I sure did. I admit it. That was rough. Ya’ll know what I’m talking about if you have ever been in love. That was my 1st love too. So, that’s even worse. So, I finally realized that it was not going to happen, and after time I didn’t want it anymore.

The second time I was in love was with a woman I was on and off with for 7 years. Yes, I said 7 years. We both were very stubborn and set in our ways. We had a unique relationship. She felt she could say whatever she wanted to say and wanted me to do the same. So, eventually we said whatever came to mind without any concern. However, the words we said to each other inflicted damage on the both of us. We didn’t know it until later. I was crazy enough to actually think I could say whatever came to my mind. When she wanted to be together I didn’t want it. When I wanted it, she didn’t want it. When I finally saw the big picture, I had to take rejection for a year and a half. Why? Because by this time she was afraid that we would go through the same cycle again. I knew we both had matured in the relationship, but it’s tough when you see it and the other person does not. No one wants to feel pain or enter into something with the potential of feeling the same way again. It definitely takes healing on both ends.  You can’t force it. It is what it is. Everyone has a choice.

I know some of you have that one person that you just can’t seem to shake many years later. It’s sad that some of you are in relationship with someone else, but the spirit of that true love you had still haunts you. You know it if you have a conversation with them or see them, then all of a sudden, all these unexpected emotions and feelings come over you. Sure, it could be a soul tie, you may not be healed, or it could just be that was 1 person where you exerted every ounce of your energy into. That type of withdrawal can have a long term impact if not fully healed.

So, I will leave you with 3 Myths about love that will help you on your journey towards the 1.

Myth #1: The Moment You See Them, You Will Know They Are The One

Baloney! We must be careful not to become overly spiritual and miss the principle. Yes, it does happen and has happened for some. I mean, Adam knew Eve was bone of his bone and flesh of his flesh when he saw Eve. However, Adam walked with God daily and he was not tainted with any other relationship. He never saw a woman up until that point nor had any other type of relationship with any other person. We all would have had that same reaction. Of course we too must walk with God, but it does not mean that you won’t enter a relationship with others before you meet the 1. Does it happen? Yes. There are exceptions to rules. However, have you ever been in a relationship or courted someone who you thought was the one but was not? Ok, I rest my case.

There are some who get married who didn’t even like the other person when they first met them, but eventually their eyes were opened and they realized that was the one. It’s still about relationship. You must get to know a person regardless to confirm if they are the 1 or not. What if they are the 1? That doesn’t mean there will still not be a process. Relationships still require work. Just because they are the 1 won’t mean the relationship will be all roses. Again I say, it will require work. The 1 may appear fully wrapped when you meet them, but at some point all of the layers must be pulled back. So, you will see the good, bad and ugly. Loving them through all of that takes work because love is still a choice.

Myth #2:  You Can’t Love More Than One Person at a Time

This is very possible. Now, it does not mean that both of them are the 1 because they are not. Love is definitely a choice. You can fall in love with someone who God did not ordain for you to be with. Love is a choice. What happens sometimes is an individual sees characteristics in more than 1 person that they want to see in only 1 person. So, if they have not found that, they may really love one person for what they bring and love another person for what they bring. So, now you are confused because you don’t know what you really want. No, you may know what you want, but you are trying to put bits and pieces of different people together in an attempt to create 1 person rather than waiting for the right person. What you must recognize is that you have a void and you are trying to fulfill it in more than one person.

For example, you have an ex that you really loved, but it did not work out. You move on and meet a great person and you love them. You are not in love, but you love them. However, your ex comes back and seems to change. They really want to make things work. You really still have love for them. You may not be in love, but you still have enough love for them to where you are torn between what you want and what you need. What you must realize is that when we fully commit this area to God, His will shall become our wants and needs.

This is more common than you may think. Humans have the capacity to love in ways you cannot imagine. Think about how many things you did in the name of love or what you thought was love. So, yes you can love more than one person. The problem is you cannot be with more than 1 person. So, you need to seek God as to if you are supposed to be with either. The problem is God may give you an answer that you don’t want to hear. When we do that, we make life very complex and we bring on unnecessary hurt and pain to all parties involved.

Myth #3: As Long As You Love Them That Is All That Matters

The devil is a liar. Are you kidding me? Love is a 2 way street and not everyone is worthy of your love. If you have had heartbreak, you know this is not true. You cannot make anyone love you back. This has been used too much to keep people in very unhealthy relationships. God also gives us wisdom and He does not desire to see His children hurt. He does want reconciliation. However, if they are not the 1, they are not the 1. Even the 1 can sometimes go off the edge if God is not at the center. People change, and we must adapt to change.

Love Has No Limits, But People Do. There has to be a point where you draw the line. If they don’t want your love, then you will keep it to yourself. At some point and time you must realize that love is truly a gift. Everyone is not ready for your gift of love. YOU CANNOT GIVE YOUR GIFT TO A THIEF BECAUSE A THIEF DOES NOT KNOW HOW TO RECEIVE, THEY ONLY KNOW HOW TO DECEIVE!

I feel your pain, and want you to avoid as much unnecessary pain as possible. It hurts when you are rejected. It hurts when you don’t understand why they can’t see the big picture. It hurts when it seems like you give and give only to get little in return. Hang in there. Love is real and you will be able to love someone who loves you back for real. You may not be able to control how you feel, but you can control what you do with those feelings. Give yourself an early Christmas gift. SOMETIMES THE BEST LOVE YOU CAN GIVE A PERSON IS TO LOVE THEM AT A DISTANCE WHEN LOVING THEM UP CLOSE IS KILLING YOU!

Remember, you are Single For 1. That is all for now.

Your Singles Advisor,

The Duke

Question of the Week: Is This Dude For Real?

November 3, 2011

Q: I am a single with two boys and I am also expecting a baby. However, I do desire to meet that person who is for me and get married sometime in the future. I recently met a guy through one of the popular websites and he asked if he could get to know me. Well, looking at his profile I could tell that he was young, didn’t have any kids, and is very educated. I told him a little about me, that I was about 8 years older, have kids, and I am expecting so I probably wouldn’t be his type. His response was that he didn’t mind that and he felt that I was trying to brush him off before I got to know him.

I was a little unsure if this was something that I wanted to pursue since he was younger, but as we conversed he seemed to be more mature than I thought. He has the qualities of a good man but I don’t really know him that well, so I can’t say that for sure. However, he seemed to be interested and we have a lot in common. Then for some reason he became unsure if I was what he was looking for. He mentioned the fact that I am expecting may bother him. He asked if there would be any drama and also mentioned that people may be able to tell that I am older than him, when he previously mentioned that he liked older women. I really didn’t know what to say because it caught me off guard.

Here we are having a good conversation and later that night he called me with all the above questions. I let him know that there wouldn’t be any drama, but my main concern was what made him change his mind. I told him that he seems to be a really good guy, and I wish him luck in finding what he is looking for. Then his response was that he told me he would see if me and him could be more than friends. My question is if you know that someone is the person for you why question it? My thought is that he may have spoken to someone who disapproves.

A: There are a lot of different directions I can go with my response, but let us begin with the fact that you are pregnant and have 2 kids, so you have little time to be playing games. So, you meet this guy online who knows nothing about you, yet makes it seem as though he is all into you. You began to tell him personal things about you far too soon. Not only did you tell him personal information about yourself far too soon, you also discredited yourself by essentially saying that he would not want you because you are older, have kids and are expecting. So, if this is true, then I would ask you, why were you on the site anyway? If you believe that no one would want you because of those factors, then you have already eliminated yourself.  There are different types of men out there. Some already have kids, and don’t want anymore, so you would be a good candidate for them. Some want a lot of kids, so you may also fit into their category. Nonetheless, you shouldn’t be there if you eliminated yourself before you began. So, you must know who you are regardless and have confidence in yourself. You must respect yourself. If you don’t respect you, you cannot expect someone else to.

You said, “He has the qualities of a good man, but you don’t really know him that well, so you can’t say so for sure??????” Umm, let me repeat to make sure I am reading and hearing correctly. You said, “He has the qualities of a good man, but you don’t really know him that well, so you can’t say so for sure.” So, you really don’t know what qualities he has because you don’t know him period! Don’t try to create something that isn’t there. Anyone can say nice things to get what they want. That doesn’t mean they have good qualities. Not to mention, the communication appears to all be through either the internet or by phone and it doesn’t sound like it has been a lot of communication at that.

The bottom line is you gave too much too soon and you expected too much too soon. To answer your question, he did not take any of this seriously, so of course he questioned it.  You said he may have spoken to someone who disapproves. Who cares! A man knows what he wants, period! You are focused on the wrong thing. The bottom line is that this is not it, and at this point, you are wasting your time. If someone could talk him out of it, then he ain’t IT!!You did not know this man. It is evident he is playing games. It is evident he was not serious. It is evident he just saw someone online he found attractive and was led by his flesh. It is evident that you are not the only person he was in conversation with. It is evident that you truly want to be loved, but you are going about it all the wrong ways. It is evident that he could say almost anything to you and you would believe it. What has he done or could do this soon to make you ready to jump in? Nothing!! You must be very careful because you are setting yourself up as an easy target for men who prey on weakness. You deserve greatness, but you must first recognize who you are and develop self-confidence because I assure you, that type of man will not aid you in that category.

The biggest issue at hand is that you are seeking love, but don’t fully love yourself. It is evident to me because you should not have placed so much stock in this situation that is almost evident from the beginning that it was not much of anything. You are a gift, but you must also walk in your giftedness. Right now, you are attracting weak men because there are some areas in your life that are weak. The one is out there, but there are some key areas that you must focus on with you 1st. No one ever likes to hear this, but you must truly work on you or you will find yourself going through this same cycle over and over again. Words alone are not enough. A man’s actions must line up with his words.

One of the biggest causes of pain for men and women when seeking a relationship is when they are so in love with love and the idea of being in love; it literally blinds them from seeing the reality of a situation. YOU CANNOT MARRY LOVE ITSELF, YOU MARRY A PERSON WHO HAS THE CAPACITY TO DEMONSTRATE  LOVE! It would make things easier if we could marry love, but you marry a person who should walk in love and demonstrate love, but they are still a person who must continue to grow throughout the different phases of life. Hence, there is never a love problem because love itself doesn’t have a problem. It is the person who taints or distorts your perception of love.

There are wonderful men and women out there who give love a good name, but there are also some who give love a bad name. You are Single For 1, that 1 person who will demonstrate love. Let’s be real, scripture tells us that a husband must love his wife like Christ loved the church, and He died for it. A woman is to submit to her husband as unto the Lord. Both are also to submit one to another.  It’s a joint effort and requires self-sacrifice on both parts. IF A MAN IS NOT WILLING TO DIE FOR THE WOMAN HE SAYS HE LOVES, THE LOVE HE SPEAKS OF IS NO LOVE AT ALL! Don’t get mad with me, the Word says that a husband is to love his wife as Christ loves the church. We can no longer hide from the facts. A GOD ORDAINED MARRIAGE IS A CALLING THAT COMES WITH RESPONSIBILITY AND IF YOU ARE NOT WILLING TO ANSWER THE CALL, STAY AT HOME!  Love you and love will find you. That is all for now.

Your Singles Advisor,

The Duke