Archive for July 2010

5 Things Not To Get Excited About When A Man Does This!

July 26, 2010

Women tell me stories all the time of things a man does or does not do for them. I see Facebook and Twitter updates all the time. Too often, women get excited too quickly over very little signs. You haven’t survived the grace period yet, and you are already putting everything on blast. Everyone gets excited, and of course your friends get excited too. I am happy that they are happy, but after a short period, too often women go from talking relationship and thinking relationship to realizing there is no relationship. No question, you can’t always see it coming. Sometimes your desire to marry is so strong until it blinds you from seeing clearly. So, I will give you a list of 5 things you do not need to get excited about when a man does this:

1.)  He Sends You A Text Message After He Has Not Spoken To You In Months:

Ladies, Ladies, Ladies, please hear me on this one. There is a very high probability that any man you have ever been in a relationship with or even talked to for a short while will text you out of the blue at some point. They can be randomly driving in their car and you cross their mind, so they text. This is VERY COMMON. Most of the time, you cross their mind because they remembered a good time you both had or their flesh is stirring up. So, after not speaking to them for weeks or months, he may say that he misses you. You tell him that you don’t believe it, but the more he texts, the more you may want to believe it, unless of course it is someone you totally want nothing to do with. So, depending on the state of mind you are in, you may entertain it and hope that something has changed. Let me bring it closer to home. Every female I have ever talked to cross my mind from time to time in the sense of me missing something about them. However, I recognize the difference, so I do not contact them when I know it is a brief feeling that will likely pass in 24-48 hours. A lot of men will not have this discipline because they may not recognize what they are doing. So, do not get ahead of yourself and get overly excited when he texts you, it was just a thought that they chose to act on. It may be someone else next week who cross his mind. If you entertain it for long, you will likely see old habits forming again. You know, those habits where it seems like he doesn’t answer his phone or return your texts as quickly as he did when he first contacted you again. Then you want to get mad. Don’t get your hopes up so quickly off a text message. He will have to show consistency for an extended period of time to overcome this rule and prove that he is serious.

2.) When a Man is Inconsistent But Tells You He Cares About You: Most men you talk to for a period of time will care about you, but it does not mean they care about you enough to change for the better. You ask for more time or attention, but he makes excuses. If a man says he does not talk on the phone much, but can text you all the time, that is another red flag. IF A MAN IS REALLY INTO YOU, THERE IS NOT MUCH HE WON’T DO. Texting is limited conversation and can be misinterpreted. I have heard many horror stories from women who have discovered that a man was texting another women with them in their face. That’s bold, but it’s an example to show you that one cannot truly interpret feelings and emotions through text. He may not talk on the phone much with others, but if he is into you, he will be inspired to do many things he normally does not do. We know that words are powerful, but actions are powerful as well. His words need to line up with his actions. You have to hold him accountable. If you constantly allow inconsistency, it will make it easier for him to remain inconsistent.

3.) When A Man All of a Sudden Wants You So Badly After Not Showing He Really Wanted You Before: This is also very common. If you and a man were talking or were in a relationship that was just not going anywhere and you decided to move on, and then he decides he just has to be with you. Most men do not want to see you with another man at all. So, due to emotion, he may get all upset and pour his precious heart out to you and beg you to take him back. Now, your life is all complicated because you met someone new and nice who is genuine and really showing they care. However, the man who wants you back is a man you have history with, so you are torn. WAS HE MOTIVATED BY HIS PASSION FOR YOU, OR WAS HE MOTIVATED BY THE IDEA OF YOU BEING WITH SOMEONE ELSE??? He was content until you decided to move on. He can be with someone else and still not like the fact that you are with someone else. Count the cost in this situation, because it can become very complicated when it does not have to be. When all the emotion calms down, what has really changed? Sure, a man can be scared straight, but be very careful as YOU MAY PROLONG A GOOD THING BY CLINGING TO AN OLD THING. You may have a favorite pair of shoes, jewelry or clothes. As the years go by, you will have a hard time letting it go. It does not take you losing it or not being able to wear it anymore to make you cherish it because you cherished it all along. Some of you have a favorite dress you are determined to wear again. So, if you are this way with clothes, it should be far more crucial with lives. IF HE DID NOT CHERISH YOU WHEN HE SAID YOU WERE WHAT HE MOST WANTED, DON’T GIVE HIM A FREE PASS TO CHERISH YOU JUST BECAUSE YOU BECAME MOST WANTED BY SOMEONE ELSE!!

4.) If a Man Asks For Your Advice: Yes, if he asks for your advice, he apparently respects your opinion. However, this does not mean wedding bells. He has spent time with you or getting to know you, and he feels comfortable to ask you deeper questions or confide in you. You are simply aiding him in making a single decision, but that decision does not always go hand in hand with him wanting a relationship with you.

5.) You Met the Family– Yes, meeting his family is typically VERY IMPORTANT to him, and not many may get that privilege. So, while it can potentially be a big deal, you should use caution. This does not automatically mean wedding bells or long-term commitment. In many cases, the opinion of his family matters to him. However, it will not keep you together. There are many women who are still in contact with family members of men they no longer associate themselves with. The entire family may like you, but he is still the one in the driver’s seat. I use this 5th point as a caution point to raise another point because it is sometimes your friends who may make it bigger than it is. “Girl, I’m ready for the wedding.” “You met his mom? Oh girl, he about to put a ring on it; he is serious.” If he has not talked about any of it, as far as you should be concerned, you know nothing about it. When a man is really into you, his words and actions are consistent. Too often, women spend too much time trying to figure out what the man is thinking or doing. His words and actions should answer your questions. If he leaves you with major questions, use caution. There is a significant difference between you being confident in the direction things are going to hoping that things go in a certain direction. There should be very little guess-work that you have to do.  That is all for now.

Your Singles Advisor,

Duke

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5 Sure Ways to Lose a Man!

July 1, 2010

So often, you hear women talk about how they keep their man happy. However, different men require different things to keep them happy. In any relationship, each party involved must discover one another’s likes and dislikes. The dominant topic is typically about how to keep a man, how to get a man or how to keep a man happy. The topic that is often overshadowed in the background is how do you lose a man? Many women have been taught that there are certain things you need to do to keep a man happy, but what about the things you can do to run a man away? What good is it if you do 10 things to keep a man happy, but 20 to run him away. There will have to be some compromise in some cases, but you are playing with the odds of hoping that what you do to keep him happy outweighs what you do to run him away. The concept is similar to being taught how to get money, but the topic of how not to lose money is just as important. Many will attest to the fact that it seems like losing money is easier than gaining it. Your problem is not keeping a man happy. Women are gifted at that. However, you should know about a few things that can silently crush a man without you ever knowing. Many of you will say you already know these points from experience, but a reminder will help. Some too often know but do not apply.

1.)  Don’t Crush a Man’s Dreams– Even if it’s hard for you to see it at the current moment, there are still ways you can support him. Now, it is your responsibility to keep it real with him if no one else will, but no one’s dream is dumb. His way about going after the dream may need some fine tuning, but that’s why you are there for balance. We know there are good ideas and God ideas, but we all must discover that for ourselves. What you must realize is that you hold a very powerful key in his life. Your words have the ability to take a man high or bring him down low. Everyone else in the world can believe in his dream, but if you don’t, it’s just as powerful as if the entire world was against him. His desire is to please you, and he wants you to be proud of him. It’s funny in a way because men can have childlike qualities when dealing with women. Children desire parent’s approval. Men desire your approval. Most men have too much pride to let you know that you crushed their feelings. They will try to hold it in and act hard, but the more you crush it, the more negative things you say, the more likely he will become emotionally detached. He will try to act hard, but the more defensive he gets, the more you have crushed him. A man’s dream is like a newborn baby to him. Even if you have to be tough on him, there is a way to say it. YOU CAN TELL A MAN WITH YOUR LIPS THAT YOU SUPPORT HIM, BUT TERRORIZE HIM THROUGH YOUR ACTIONS. Women always say they want a man to be a man or for a man to step it up or MAN UP. You have the ability to make him MAN DOWN. Men can suffer emotional abuse just as women can, but men handle it differently. You don’t want to make him feel like you are his enemy b/c at some point he will focus more on proving you wrong rather than proving to himself that he is right for having a dream.

2.)  Don’t Make a Man Feel Like He is Inadequate– Your way is not always the right way. I know you are very intelligent and your intuition is out of this world, but a man wants to know he brings something to the table. No, he will not always do something EXACTLY like you would, but that’s ok. Why ask a man to do something if you are going to go right behind him and change it or do it another way anyway?  Too many women get upset because a man does not do something when you want him to do it. A lot of times, it’s all in your delivery. You can get a man to do almost anything if you deliver the message the right way. Most men are naturally competitive, so if your tone is condescending or confrontational, he will unconsciously try you. That is that childlike nature that comes out again in a man. No, he is not a child, but he wants to feel as though he is in control. Proverbs 25:24 says, “It is better to dwell in the corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman and in a wide house.” When a woman is upset, you have the ability to turn a house upside down. There is some truth to the saying that if mama is not happy, no one in the house is happy. Honestly, most men do not like to be told the same thing more than once. A man does not like to be micro managed. You make him feel like the little student that always needs help. Now if he messes up, there is a way to let him know and not make him feel inadequate. At least thank him for the attempt. If you are not careful, you will handicap him, and he will want you to do everything. You may think it’s cute at 1st, but then you will become frustrated and argue that you have to do everything. Then you may think, what’s the point of having a man if I’m doing everything myself.

3.)  Don’t Chase Behind a Man– Too many women are being aggressive and too many men are being reserved. This role reversal should not be so. A man does not like to be chased because it makes you look desperate and easy. It is hard for a man to truly respect you when you act in such a manner. It’s a man’s job to find his wife through the Lord’s guidance. I have seen women chase behind men who have blatantly done them wrong. By doing this, you are practically condoning and reinforcing their behavior. You are telling him through his actions that he can mess up without any real consequences for his actions. You must not forget your position. You are royalty. I HAVE NEVER HEARD OF A QUEEN BEGGING FOR CRUMBS.

4.)  Don’t Throw Another Man in Another Man’s Face- It does not matter if it is your father that you are comparing him to. A man does not like to be compared to another man even if it’s a good comparison. Their pride just will not allow it. Men like to feel that they are uniquely different in ways from any other man you have met. Women too often tend to confuse this with jealousy. Jealousy is completely different. When you are comparing a man to another man, you have practically had an emotional affair with the other man as far as he is concerned. This goes back to not making a man feel inadequate. I will not even go into the shameless plug that women can make to some men. Women may say, “well so and so’s husband or male friend did this for them…It sure would be nice if I got that.” Again it goes back to communication and delivery. If you feel a man is not compassionate or considerate enough, there are ways you can express that. However, if you use a comparison, you have now made him defensive and opened the door up for an argument. This will only make him bring up old stuff. In his mind, he will find something that he did that you did not acknowledge or thank him for. He may also proceed to compare you to someone else.

5.)  Don’t Constantly Remind a Man about His Flaws- Most men should be well aware of their shortcomings because you are likely not the 1st woman that have told them so. Yes, he needs to be told when he is out of order. IF ALL YOU CELEBRATE IS WHAT HE IS NOT, YOU MAY QUICKLY MAKE HIM FORGET WHAT HE IS. Some things are negotiable and some are non-negotiable. You will know what those are. If he has no desire to change and has not shown any commitment to change, then you have decisions to make. Don’t cheat yourself or him by pretending you are ok with something that you are not ok with. A FATAL FLAW IS TO LIVE IN A LIE AND PRETEND IT TO BE TRUE.  These are ways to lose a man. Even if he stays around physically, there is a strong chance you have lost him emotionally and mentally.

Thank God that you are Single For 1. That is all for now.

Your Singles Advisor,

Duke