Archive for May 2011

What Do I Do While I Wait?

May 27, 2011

I am continuing the series on Back to the Basics. This has been a topic that I have received a lot of questions about over time. I did a blog not long ago talking about the waiting game and how everyone must wait; even men must wait if they truly desire a certain type of woman. We do not have to debate about who has it harder when it comes to waiting. Many women will argue that it is harder for them to wait because the man has to pursue them. That is a great point, but a man must also wait for God to show Him who He has ordained for Him. Sure, the man has a choice, but the woman will also have a choice. I will be a little more transparent for you. I am a man who desires to marry my wife. Could I have been married by now? Sure! I could have been married by now because there are women who would have said yes if I asked. Could a lot of women be married now? Sure! There are many women who have talked to men who would have married you in a heartbeat. However, we all have choices to make, and you don’t want that choice to be independent of God. Scripture tells us to “trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not to your own understanding, but in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths (Proverbs 3:5-6).” So, we should want Him to direct our paths in everything that we do. So, that would mean that both men and women must wait whether we like it or not. Both parties involved must both agree to that choice you make. I would much rather God direct me in making that choice as to me making a choice based off of feelings. Feelings come and go. Feelings can be deceitful. Yes, there are those who do whatever it is they want and will take whatever they can get. There are also those who will settle for less than they deserve because they feel like time is running out. There are also those who have a short God conscience and base their decisions off of feelings alone. However, if you subscribe to this blog, that will not describe you. You are in fact Single For 1.

So, now that we have established that, what in the world do you do while waiting? I will give you 3 things that will keep you occupied while waiting.

1.)  Pursue Your Dreams

This seems fairly obvious. We know that we need to identify our purpose in life. You have heard that time and time again. So, I will not go into detail with that. We never stop dreaming in life. When most people achieve success in an area they have been working hard for, they don’t stop when they get there. They don’t stop because they get more vision and see more things they can do. Dreams are meant to be expanded. There is no such thing as a final destination until we leave this earth. So, dreams will continue to expand. Don’t make excuses as to why you are not where you are or doing what you really desire to do because you are waiting for your spouse. God placed dreams in us. We just need to decipher which dream God has for us to pursue as to which dreams we just want for ourselves. For our extra analytical people in the group, I will address what you are thinking. I am sure some of you are saying, “Well my dream is to get married, so how do I pursue that?” Well, we know that it takes 2. To entertain marriage would require a potential candidate. If that candidate is currently not on the scene, then you continue to LIVE LIFE. That is key. I have come to find that some of us have forgotten how to live life, which leads me to point #2.

2.)  Live Life For Real

We talk about getting married, but I advise that you make the most of your single life because it’s one of the few moments in life where you can truly be selfish and for the most part only have to consider you! Parents will attest to this fact.

I did not stop to consider that there are singles who have forgotten how to live life. You watch fairy tale movies on tv, reality shows that depict men and women in a negative light, etc. What do you do when you are single and you have put all the clubbing and partying days behind you? For starters, being a single Christian does not mean you have to live a boring life. It does not mean you can no longer dance if you loved to dance. Too many singles have gotten in the routine of going to work and going home…going to work and going home. I had not realized how busy I had gotten and was missing out on the living part of life until I hung out with some friends. I had a good time and realized that I had neglected myself. The sad thing is I was perfectly comfortable in my routine. Really, I was PERFECTLY COMFORTABLE ON CHEATING MYSELF OUT OF LIFE. Don’t cheat yourself. IF YOU CHEAT YOURSELF OUT OF LIFE, YOU MAY ONLY HAVE PIECES OF YOU TO OFFER TO SOMEONE ELSE RATHER THAN ALL OF YOU! Where is the fun when your routine is the same every week? So, all you have time to do is think about what you don’t have. Now, all you do is think about reasons why you think you don’t have a spouse or reasons why something is wrong with everyone of the opposite sex or with you. Don’t allow idle time cause you to think yourself mad. When you do that, you are giving power to people who really could care less what you are doing at the moment. You have to take control of your life because it is YOUR LIFE! You insult yourself when you cheat yourself out of life. You insult God when you sit around and waste days thinking about who you don’t have rather than focusing on who you do have. Don’t focus on who left, focus on who stayed. Even if you feel like it is just you by yourself, it just means you have a fresh start.

Do something different. Get out and have fun. I know someone who took themselves out to dinner and had a great time. They even met some interesting people who actually approached them while they were enjoying dinner by themselves. That sounds depressing to some of you I know. So, hang out with friends. If you don’t have anyone who you feel you can hang out with because they aren’t interested in doing what you like to do then join a group or organization with similar hobbies. Join a book group, bike group, car group, sports group, health/fitness group, cooking group, etc. If they don’t have what you enjoy in your area then create your own and invite others to join. Everything starts with an idea. Guess what? I know this will be radical for some, but here it goes…..  YOU CAN’T KNOW SOMEONE UNTIL YOU MEET THEM. You didn’t know your friends until you met them. Let me also make this point. Women, I am not saying go out there and try to position yourself. You don’t have to position yourself for a man. He still pursues. When a man and a woman choose to live life, they are automatically placed in position. We only get 1 life on this side, so do yourself a favor and enjoy your life. WHEN YOU LEARN TO ENJOY YOUR LIFE, YOU ATTRACT OTHERS WHO ENJOY THEIRS! Ask yourself this question and answer honestly: Would you want to hang out with you? If you said no, then you can start today by making plans to live your life. Yes, there are some things we cannot control, but we can control what we do with our time! There is no such thing as a boring life unless we create it.

3.)  Don’t Focus on the Past

I have said this on more than one occasion. Don’t lose your today by focusing on yesterday. You can learn from the past and move forward. Past experiences give us just that, an experience. One of the most powerful ministries we can have is the ministry of experience because you can help others and yourself in the future. Don’t allow past relationships that went bad cause you to view all of the opposite sex in a negative light. All relationships will require work. All marriages require work. So, if you thought getting married is when you can take off, that is not true. It requires work. Every individual is different. Yes, because you have experience and have gained more wisdom, you can pick up on signs early on. You can tell when someone is playing games early on. However, don’t allow yesterday to cripple you. Don’t entertain someone who continuously disappoints and has proven time and time again that they are about games. IF YOU TAKE A CHANCE ON SOUR MILK, YOU CAN’T GET MAD IF YOU GET A STOMACH ACHE! We have heard the saying that “hurt people hurt people.” So, you must assess your situation and see if you need healing. Some people think they are over something until something similar presents itself. If you react in the same manner, then you are not over it. Some things you don’t realize you are carrying until something triggers it. The key is in knowing what to do when it comes up. Handle it on a person to person basis. DON’T LET THE OLD NEWS CAUSE YOU TO MISS OUT ON THE NEW NEWS! It is a new day in your life and the past is not invited. DON’T LOOK THROUGH OLD GUEST LISTS EXPECTING TO GET SOMETHING NEW! Keep going forward. Remember as always, you are Single For 1! That is all for now.

Your Singles Advisor,

The Duke

5 Bad Rules You Should Break

May 19, 2011

I am continuing in the series entitled, Back to the Basics. There are some rules that some follow that are just bad rules, and they should be broken. I don’t know where they originated from, but I do know that if you practice them, you should break them right about now.

Bad Rule #1: Wait 2-3 Days to Call Someone After You Get Their Number

Let us remind ourselves, that if you are serious about life in general, you don’t have time for mindless games. Here is a side note: I do not support women getting the man’s phone number and calling him 1st when there is potential for a relationship or any attraction or interest. If it’s not business of some sort, you just do best to avoid getting a man’s number. This goes back to a reminder from last week’s post, the man pursues. So, men, it does not mean that you are desperate if you call before this bogus 2-3 day timeframe. The key is that you have her number, so take the time out to call her when you are ready and have made time, not just waiting for a couple of days to go by for a silly rule. What sense does it make to really be excited to talk to this woman, but forcing yourself to wait 2-3 days to make the contact? If you take 2-3 days to call her, let it be for a legitimate reason. However, please note that a woman is not typically impressed by long delays. She took the time out to give you her number, which also means she should value her time as should you. She may be expecting your call. You can also run the risk of the woman getting upset because you are taking so long to call, and she may begin to think you are playing games. You don’t want to start off on the wrong foot because when her mind is made up, it can be difficult to change it when you have no proven history with her.

With that being said, both men and women should not play the game of who called who last. This is where either the woman called the man last or the man called the woman last, so you feel that you should not call back until the other persons calls you next. If you both are interested in each other, that should not matter. Of course, if you feel that it is one-sided over time, then that is a red flag you need to be watching. Once you have begun communicating, it is acceptable for the woman to now contact the man because at this point you are beginning to build something. However, don’t do it a moment sooner. The man still must pursue. Of course the man wants to know that you are equally interested in getting to know him better. However, in the beginning, the man should make the contact as stated before.

 Bad Rule #2: You Should Go to Dinner and a Movie on the 1st Date

BORING!! This seems to be the template for 1st dates, but it is not the only thing you can do. There is nothing wrong with it, but men, this is your opportunity to be creative.  Yes, the most important thing is that you are getting to know each other better by spending time, but don’t put yourself in a box. Think outside of the box. Sure, dinner is good because you can eat and have good dialogue over dinner. However, in many cases the woman will try to be cute with her eating, and the man may hold back a little too. You will have very little conversation at the movies. Sure, it may make for good conversation after, but you can only talk about a movie for so long. That is valuable time you could have been spending with each other and getting to know each other elsewhere. Again, dinner and a movie are ok, but try something new.

Bad Rule #3: Cooking is Just For Women

Eating is a necessity in life. Most women during ancient times would do most of the cooking because the man went out to kill the food to bring home for her to cook. It is very possible in today’s society that a man may work from home and his wife may work at another location. So, when you get married and are home all day, it would not hurt to do something around the house until she gets home. Team effort! So, a man should not solely depend on a woman to cook as a woman should not solely depend on a man to cook. If it works out that way where the woman does most of the cooking, that is perfectly acceptable. However, it is not the rule. What would happen if masses of women began to say, “I need a man who can cook?!” Some tradition has its place. This is not a horrible tradition, but when you are married, both of you are part of a team. You do what works for the both of you and what you agree upon. However, it would not be a bad idea for both to learn how to cook a few things. Learn together, it could be fun. There’s an idea for you for bad rule #2, you can go out on a 1st date to a cooking class. It is fun, brings laughter, and you both are doing something together. You also get to eat it at the end. Side note: Men, this will not question your masculinity. It’s something different in a good way and can be more memorable than a typical movie and dinner because it’s different. You can still have great conversation.

 Bad Rule #4: You Can Kiss On The 1st Date


Bad Rule #5: You Think I Should Go Into More Detail with Bad Rule #4

Ok, so maybe I will. I don’t think it needs much explanation, but perhaps it does. Bad Rule #4 is meant to be broken. I don’t know where that bad rule came from, but it seems to be very common in this society. Let’s keep in mind, you are Single For 1.  Some of you are frowning because you are thinking it is something you would never do. However, anything is possible, and if you are out with someone you find very attractive and they are very impressive on the 1st date, you may surprise yourself. So, I am preparing you so that you will prepare yourself to be on guard. Some of you have kissed on a 1st date, and I am not judging you at all. I am putting it in perspective. For starters, you may very well not know this person like that. If I may use slang, “you don’t know them from Adam.” Sure, there may be a physical attraction, but that’s too many points on the 1st date given to the other person. Slow your roll and take your time. How many of you had great 1st dates and terrible seconds? Better yet, how many of you had what you thought was a great date, but no 2nd date ever came? So, what happens if you’ve been on a few dates in a short amount of time? Are you kissing them too if the date goes well? Don’t sign up to be a kissing bandit.

The Real Bad Rule #5: You Should Go on a Date With Someone You Just Met

Sure, this happens. A man asks a woman for her number and if he can take her out. The phone call is just to set up where you all will be going and what time. This is common, and it is not horrible as long as you are in a public place. You don’t want to be linking up with any stranger. I am not saying you should not go on a 1st date with someone you just met, but I will help save you some time. So, this is why it will serve you well to talk on the phone with the person a few times before you go out on a date. This will give an opportunity for both the man and woman to get to know a little about each other. You can also save yourself a lot of time and energy upfront. The initial conversation on the phone or some afterwards may be enough for one of you to realize that you don’t care to go out with them based on what you talked about. This is not about a free meal. Many women have had free meals, but could barely endure the date. Many men have paid for meals hoping the date would end soon.  Ladies, don’t cheat yourself just for a filet mignon that will have you hungry again in an hour. It’s just not worth it. Not only that, now you run the risk of leading someone on. DON’T LOWER YOUR STANDARDS TO GO ON A DATE FOR A FREE MEAL BECAUSE YOU MAY WALK OUT WITH FOOD POISONING! And I am talking about from something other than the food.  Ladies, why accept the date, if he already struck out? Men, why go on the date if she has struck out? At the end of the day, if you are on your journey towards marriage, take it seriously in everything you do. If you don’t take it seriously, no one else will. If you don’t care, no one else will. Remember, You are Single For 1. That is all for now.

Your Singles Advisor,

The Duke

Back to The Basics!

May 13, 2011

When did society take a turn? When did the simple things become so complex? When did men stop approaching women and women started approaching men? When did that become a norm in our society? When did a man begin to think that a woman was supposed to roll out the red carpet for him when he has not proven himself? When did a woman become convinced that she had to lower her standards just to get a man? We may not know when this all began to be pumped into society to where it has become a norm as opposed to the exception. Nevertheless, we have to get back to the basics. The basics are the simple things. It is like Relationship 101. The problem is that too many individuals are trying to skip to the advanced level without first mastering the basics. One must 1st learn to count before they can complete any math formula. STOP ALLOWING PEOPLE TO GRADUATE IN YOUR LIFE WHEN THEY NEVER PASSED THE TEST! That means that they will not be equipped when you run into real challenges. Get back to the basics. So, I will outline a few basic principles that we must keep in mind on this journey towards healthy relationships and marriage.

1.)  A Man Pursues a Woman- Well, this is about as basic as it comes. However, this 1st principle alone has become so complex. I have lost count of how many women I have consulted who are frustrated that men find them intimidating. To make matters worse, it’s true that some men are intimidated by certain women. Since when did having standards, serving God, being about your business, pursuing your goals and just being a flat-out great package become intimidating? Since when did a woman have to apologize for being who God made her to be? This should be seen as a great opportunity to potentially connect with a woman who is not looking for a Bailout, which is simply for a man to come along and rescue them. You don’t want a spouse to complete you; you need them to complement you. I have said before that complete means a finished product, and no more learning or changing can occur. If you can’t find comfort and peace in God alone, can’t no man fill that void. Only God has the ability to fill voids. He does not send people to fill voids, he sends people so you can have more of what you need to fulfill His will. The problem is that a strong person can unintentionally shine a light on someone else’s insecurities. When someone intimidates you, it means that they frighten or threaten you. The last thing you want in a relationship is competition between each other. That could never work because in marriage 2 are becoming 1. You cannot be with someone who is jealous of your successes. If nothing else, the higher one goes, the higher the other goes because you are supposed to be in it together.  Men, I submit to you that YOU SHOULD NOT WANT A WOMAN WHO ONLY TAKES AWAY, YOU SHOULD WANT A WOMAN WHO ADDS ON! Let the ego go. You both should be able to add on to each other.  Women, do not water yourself down for the sake of getting just a man. Adam was blown away when he first saw Eve. So men, it’s ok if she is breathtaking, but get yourself together and pursue. A woman does not find great joy when you say things to them like: You must have a boyfriend, you are too pretty to be single, too intelligent to be alone, etc. That is not a compliment.  If nothing else, it is frustrating and makes you sound insecure. If any of those were true for the current moment, why would you be attempting to have a conversation with her? Don’t strike out before you even start. Women, stop thinking that you need to help a man say what is on his mind. Better yet, stop thinking you can read a man’s mind. He does not need his hands held. He is no longer a child, not on a bottle, and does not need you to be his mother. You should not want to be his mother, nor can you be. If that’s what it appears he is asking for, send him back home to his mama. A wife needs a husband, not a child. A man needs a wife, not another mother. If he cannot step up to the plate, then he is just not the 1. As I say time and time again, a man knows what he wants and will go after it. You won’t have to do any guessing.

 2.)  Know Yourself- Sure, everyone under the sun thinks they know who they are. However, when certain circumstances arise where you are tested, that helps you see where you really are. If you don’t know enough about you, how can you attempt to build a relationship with someone else for the long-term? There is no need to waste someone else’s time when you already know they don’t possess most of what it is that you desire. The old saying goes, “if it don’t fit, don’t force it.” Too many broken relationships are a direct cause of trying to make something work when you see all the signs as to why it will not work. Remember these 2 simple rules and it will save you a lot of time….A.)You cannot change anyone. B.) You cannot make anyone love you unconditionally no matter how hard you try or how much you do.  The key is being confident in who you are. You are who you are and there is no one else in the entire world that is exactly like you. That automatically makes you unique. Stop apologizing for who you are. You may not apologize through your words for who you are, but too many are doing it by changing who they are to try to make a relationship work that wasn’t supposed to work to begin with. THE MOMENT YOU LOWER YOUR STANDARD IS THE MOMENT YOU CHEAPEN YOUR WORTH! You can make all the excuses in the world for why you did it, but the only person in the mirror looking back at you is you. Here is another formula that is proven: A.) Eventually, you will get back what you expect, and you will only put up with what you allow.  Know yourself.

3.)  Don’t Complicate Things- It is or it isn’t. Anything after that complicates things. The man wants to be with the woman and the woman wants to be with the man. If both are not on the same page, that equals instant complication. Sitting around guessing what the other person is thinking creates complications.  Sure, when feelings are involved, things have the potential to get complicated. Communication is key. I am talking about verbal communication backed by action. You cannot go just by what someone says unless they have a proven track record with you. Words must be backed by action. You complicate things when you hear one thing, but see another and ignore it. Whenever you pretend not to see certain signs, you are saying that you choose to ignore it. That’s when excuses begin to come into play. Things get complicated when you hang on to words and hope that eventually the actions will line up. Everything will not always be easy, but if you are going to go to war, make sure that you are going to war with someone who is willing to fight with you. It is difficult to walk away, but it’s much more pain to stay around and leave your heart exposed to someone who is just not on the same page with you.  You deserve the best that is for you, and you have to demand the best. I WOULD RATHER WAIT FOR A SEASON FOR THE RIGHT 1 RATHER THAN TO SACRIFICE A LIFETIME WITH THE WRONG 1! Don’t live below your potential. No matter what has happened or what is happening right now. It does not matter if it appears no one is in sight, and you don’t even see a potential mate. God specializes in Next Day deliveries. What took years can literally change overnight. God has you covered. Remember, you are Single For 1. That is all for now.

Your Singles Advisor,

The Duke

5 Mistakes to Avoid on Your Journey to the 1!

May 3, 2011

I wrote this for those who were in attendance at our 1st live event Superman vs. Superwoman. Some individuals who have never read any of the blogs asked me to share it, so I am posting it now. Some of these tips and personal quotes are a review from past blogs, but some of them also need to be reiterated. So, here you go:

1.)   Don’t Ever Assume- I know that some individual’s actions don’t always line up with their words. However, this is why it is always safe and sound to never assume that someone is really into you unless they say it. And even if they say it, they must also show it.

2.)   Don’t Give Too Much Too Early- A man has to earn his keep and a woman must demonstrate that she is truly a gift (women are the gift). It is the man’s responsibility to pursue, but the problem comes in when a man pursues a woman who is not walking in her GIFTEDNESS, which has an impact on the women who are fully wrapped gifts. Scripture tells us not to cast our pearls to swine or they will trample on them. This applies to both men and women. Don’t give your heart to just anyone. It should be guarded until the person with the right key can unlock it. However, giving too much too soon can cause unnecessary headaches and the knockoff runs off with your stuff leaving you empty. DON’T GIVE A MAN HUSBAND BENEFITS WHEN HE IS ON A BOYFRIEND PLAN!

3.)   Don’t Beg Anyone For Their Time- Some people are soooo busy, which is fine, but if they are too busy to make time for you then they are not ready! Anyone will make time for what they want. Even the President can still make time for his wife. WHEN YOU BEG FOR TIME, YOU BEG FOR ATTENTION AND ARE PRACTICALLY SAYING THAT YOUR TIME IS NOT VALUABLE!  If you don’t value your time, why should anyone else respect you enough to do so? I HAVE NEVER HEARD OF A QUEEN OR KING BEGGING FOR CRUMBS!

4.)   Don’t Casual Date- If you truly are at a place where you desire a husband or wife, casual dating is a waste of time for everyone involved. It’s called casual dating, so why are you shocked when all you get in return is casual. It’s dangerous bc both parties may not think it is casual. It’s not about quantity, it’s about quality. You should prefer no dates while waiting for the 1 and have peace rather than 20 dates and 20 disappointments.

5.)   Don’t Make Decisions Based off Potential Alone- Everyone has potential and it should hold some weight, but potential is not enough. Is the plan workable and are they working at that plan? Are other areas lining up? DON’T GIVE SOMEONE CLEARANCE IF THEY HAVE FAILED THE BACKGROUND CHECK.

 Avoiding these mistakes will save time for everyone. I will continue to say this over and over again, you are Single For 1. The moment you can grasp this very simple concept, the better off you will be. No one can be you but you, but you have to be comfortable with you and know what you need to change and what you need to keep. That is all for now.

Your Singles Advisor,

The Duke