Question of the Week 1.25.11

Q: If a woman is romantically interested in a guy who is her friend but is pretty sure he is not interested in her the same way, should she tell him anyway? My girlfriends would say no, just play it cool and he may come to think of you that way. My experience has been to tell him because sometimes they don’t know how you would take it…What are your thoughts?

 

A: There is no doubt that sometimes in friendships, one of the parties involved may develop feelings. This is also based off of what the original intention was from the beginning. If you are pretty sure he is not interested, then you should be pretty sure he is not interested! Let me make it a little clearer, as I have stated in a previous blog post: “If a man did not say he is interested, don’t assume.” In this case, you don’t assume he is interested, rather, you assume he is not. I’m pretty sure he is not interested either if he has not said it. If by some chance he was interested but is afraid to say it, then he is just not ready (SN: don’t hold onto this sentence as a reason to ignore everything else I have to say :).

So, as far as you are concerned, you should continue to believe that he is not interested unless he says otherwise. However, I would not be surprised at all if he already has an idea that you are interested, but he may not tell you. Certainly, he may also not say anything if he does not see you in that way. He could possibly know you are interested based off of the things you do or say.

I always say to be careful when taking relationship advice from your girlfriends. You have to be able to decipher the good advice from the bad advice. There is some validity to what they said in this case. You should play it cool, but the concept your girlfriends gave that he may come to see you in that way is dangerous grounds. If you continue to do this, you will feed off of his every word and action and could potentially set yourself up for unnecessary heartbreak. For example, if you see him with another woman, it could really hurt you.

So, you are at a crossroads. You have feelings, but don’t know what to do with them. If you hold onto it, it could begin to impact your friendship with this man. I never suggest telling a man you have feelings for him if he does not tell you even though communication is good. Really, you will have to begin to deal with your feelings. It’s what you do with those feelings that matter. So, if he did not say he is interested, you will need to try to control those feelings. If you do not, you will begin to have higher expectations from him than necessary. I leave you with this: As far as you should be concerned, if he didn’t say it, it doesn’t exist. Tough love, but someone has to give it. Again, the man pursues the woman.

Question of The Day!

Q: I know that you just recently did a blog for the Single for 1 With The Duke, but when and if the Spirit leads you….can you write about reaching that “crossroads” in the dating relationship. A lot of women get stuck here waiting on a man to decide when to let them know IF they are in a relationship. Many women get stuck here way to long…if you would write about what you see fit as it pertains to this topic.

A: This is a common pattern where a man and a woman are not officially in a relationship, but at the same time they are kind of in one. If you have already had the conversation about what you both are ultimately looking for, then of course it will be on the man to make the move. However, sitting around for months wondering could become problematic. So, if all of a sudden the man decides to go a separate way, many women become furious because they feel they wasted their time. It should be made clear up front. Apparently, you are not talking to him for the benefit of good health. So, there comes a time where you are at a crossroads and are confused. Part of you want to ask him what is going on, but the other part of you is thinking why should I ask him because he knows if he wants to be with me or not. Apparently, you already know you want to be with him.

Clearly, if you have to ask if you are in a relationship, you are not.  A man should have made some reference to what he wants. However, never play on words. Look at his actions. He may say, “you know you are the only woman I spend time with.” However, what he is not saying is that you are the only woman that he wants to spend time with. You have to know what your limit is. Your time is valuable. The longer it goes, the longer you will likely sit around and wait because you feel you have no reason to walk away. However, if it takes him an extended period of time to commit, then it is a strong possibility that he may not want to commit or is afraid to. Commitment comes with greater responsibility. You also don’t want to be in a position where you are applying pressure to the man, and he commits because of pressure. Pressured commitments typically turn out bad in the end. You have to know when too long is.

Ultimately, it goes back to time. Your time is valuable. Your attention is valuable. You are valuable. If he approached you, there was already an initial interest. So, after that,  the foundation is being built upon. When it gets to the point where the foundation is built and you have spent a lot of time together, and it’s past just being friends…that is when relationship comes into play. There is little wiggle room. If you two are just friends, then friendship rules must be enforced (obviously if the question is about that crossroads, then it’s past friendship). If you are past that, then the relationship conversation must come up. He needs to make known his intentions with you whether you are interested or not. Hear me when I say this, you only need to have this discussion once. He either wants a relationship or not. If there are reasons that prohibit him from a relationship then you need to begin preparing yourself and positioning yourself as a friend. This gets harder the longer you go. Again, you are the prize, so the prize never has to work for the person who is receiving it. You know when too long is too long. If you think it’s been too long, it has probably been too long. At this point, if you allow him to go along freely without making his intentions known and those intentions being backed by true action, then you are cosigning with any and all of his actions.

Stop Making It So Easy!

One of the biggest problems with some men in relationships is the very fact that some women have made it too easy for them in the past. So, when they encounter a woman with standards, they don’t know how to react. They may make you feel like something is wrong with you because they have been so used to being able to say and do anything they want and get away with it. So, now you are sitting around thinking that there may be something wrong with you. There is nothing wrong with you. Now, I submit to you that there is something wrong if you do not have quality standards. If you cannot respect yourself, you cannot really expect for anyone else to. Stop making it so easy just because you are afraid that you will be alone. Stop making it so easy for a man to have your time. DON’T GIVE A MAN CREDIBILITY HE HAS NOT EARNED! Did you forget who you are?

I had a conversation with a friend recently that I was happy to hear. She said that she does not look at what a man says, but she looks for what he does or does not do. This is a valuable lesson. We learned this a long time ago, “actions speak louder than words.” Too many women have allowed men to come in and out of their lives as they choose. You have to take a stand for yourself.

Some women meet new men all the time. I have said time and time again that getting a man is never the problem. You can lower your standards any day to get any man. However, you do not want ANY man; you are waiting for THE MAN who is your husband. What happened to courtship? What happened to going to dinner more than once? Since when did 1^st dates happen at your place? Why does he even have access to your place so soon? Why do all these men meet your children and you don’t even know if you really like the man yet? Why are you doing things for him as if he is your husband? If this is the case, what will be different in the marriage? DON’T GIVE A MAN HUSBAND BENEFITS WHEN HE IS ON A BOYFRIEND PLAN. You can do just enough to make him want to marry you if he is the 1, but don’t give him everything before then. Since when did men not have to put in a lot of time to get some of your time? You cannot get a paycheck if you did not work.  DON’T ALLOW A MAN TO CASH A CHECK IN YOUR LIFE IF HE DID NOT WORK ENOUGH HOURS TO RECEIVE IT.

Let me also say that he should not get extra credit points for things that should be natural. I’m sorry that you have experienced men who have wronged you, but just because a man comes along and does what a man should do, that is just 1^st base. The basics are the things that should even afford him the opportunity for your time. Since when did I was thinking about you today become so special? I hope he was thinking about you if he is interested. “Aww, how sweet, he told me I was beautiful.” This is good and these things are necessary in any relationship, but that does not give a man extra credit. “Aww, how awesome, he asked me what My thoughts were.” I can’t believe I met a man who actually listens.” Again, this is training wheel courtship. If he cannot do the basics, then he is just not on your level. You know it’s sad when you have to dig for things to say about him. He has a good personality….He seems to be genuine….He listened to what I had to say…..Should we give him a Golden Globe Award for this? Not quite. I would hope you don’t want to be with someone with a bad personality or who is a liar. I would hope that you don’t want to be with a man who does not listen to anything you have to say. You want consistency. It’s easy to do things early on, but consistency is key. All of these things have its place. However, these are prerequisites not points.

He should respect you and your time. If he is used to playing, he had better clean it up real fast before he comes your way. IF A MAN WANTS TO PLAY ON THE PLAYGROUND WITH THE KITTIES, LEAVE HIM THERE BECAUSE HE IS NOT READY TO GRADUATE. If you don’t, then you have already lowered your standard. I know for some of you, it has been a rough journey and the basics seem so hard to come about these days. Guess what? That just means, you have not met the 1. It’s really as simple as that.

Single For 1 is a lifestyle. Stop getting mad every time it did not work out. Would you rather force it and be unhappy in the long run? I know you did the right thing and he had no reason to not be with you. However, every man is not your husband. You are waiting for the 1. Please take your rightful place back on the throne as a queen. Who asked you to step down in the 1^st place? It sure wasn’t God. Don’t worry if  some guy feels that he can go to the next and get whatever he wants. We also know that some women don’t want to sit on their throne. So, if that’s what he wants, let him go. Just because some have the ability to be queens and kings don’t mean they will walk in their royalty. Scripture even tells us that “many are called, but few are chosen.”  YOU ARE CHOSEN!! So, do me, yourself and all men a favor and take your rightful seat. All great people had to come through the birth canal of a woman. You have the ability to produce greatness, so why should you settle for anything less? Stop Making It So Easy!

That is all for now.

Your Singles Advisor,

The Duke