Archive for August 2011

The 1st Date Rollercoaster

August 15, 2011

There is so much anticipation for the 1st date. There may be some anxiety because no one really knows what to expect. Of course, you want to have a good time. The man wants to impress the woman and the woman wants to impress the man. The approaches taken by the man and the woman may be different, but both still want to leave an impression on the other. There are some 1st dates that bring back wonderful memories that you can’t forget, but there are some 1st dates that you wish you could forget. There are some who have been on too many 1st dates in the past year, while others have not had a 1st date in years. Everyone is at a different stage of the process.  First date experiences can be a rollercoaster ride filled with some twists and turns and highs and lows. Whether you have had a lot of 1st dates, few 1st dates or no 1st dates, if you desire to marry, it is the common thread that joins everyone together in this process. I stress this time and time again, that it is not about the quantity of dates, but it is about the quality. I don’t believe anyone goes in thinking that they will have 20 first dates and 20 disappointments. There may be frustrations along the way, but you have to keep pressing forward. It may not always work out with that person. That individual will eventually in all likelihood becomes someone’s spouse, but that is all fine and good because you want the 1 who is for you. You clearly cannot marry every person you have ever gone out on a date with. The quicker you find out that it should not go any further, the better. The more you drag it along, the greater your chances are for greater heartache. IF YOU HANG AROUND A DEAD RELATIONSHIP, YOU WILL GET AN INFECTION. Infections are irritating, do not feel good, contaminates you and some are contagious and can spread to others. The sooner you know the better. There is no need to stay with someone you know is not the 1. I have included 3 tips that will help you navigate through the 1st date before and after.

1.)  Limit Conversations About Your Ex- It does not matter if they bring it up or not. Keep the conversation limited about past relationships. You don’t need to delve into details no matter how curious they are. You are not there to discuss your past. Yes, the past helps the other person to understand where you are now, but there is a time and place for that, but the 1st date is not the time or the place. One of the biggest mistakes you can make is to fall into the trap of going into detail about a past relationship, whether good or bad. Trust me, they really don’t care much about who you were in a relationship with nor do they care to hear full details. If it was so good, why aren’t you still with them? Also, if it was something tragic that happened, you don’t want to make the other person feel awkward or feel bad for you. You wouldn’t be there if you didn’t believe you were ready to move forward one way or another. Hence, if they pry, they are just being flat out curious and or nosey. So, wobble your way out of it and onto the next subject. If it was bad and you get caught in the trap and you know that you are half crazy (lol), you don’t want them to see a side of you come out that they didn’t have time to prepare for. We know the saying, “First impressions are lasting.” You may be a wonderful person, but they don’t need to see you going off at the 1st date, even if it was about someone else. In their mind, they may be thinking, “You have issues.” You may very well have moved on, but they can’t tell based on the flow of the conversation.  If you do decide to continue to move forward with this individual, oh yes my friend, they will remember that ex and store that in their memory bank to bring it up in the future. It’s a 1st date. You don’t want it to turn into a therapy session.  Do you want to hear someone go on and on about their past relationship when they should be there to discover more about you? I didn’t think so!

2.)   Focus More on Them and Less on You- I’m sure that they will ask you a question about specific areas of your life, and you are expected to share. However, there is a difference between sharing and monopolizing a conversation. I know for some of you this is difficult because you can talk 1,000 miles an hour. However, every response does not require a 5-10 minute monologue. Notice that I said monologue. The 1st date is not a monologue; it is a dialogue between the 2 of you. Their face may not always show it, but in their mind, they may be very bored. I know some of you have the gift of keeping someone’s attention, but share the conversation. Men and women can make the same mistake when it comes to this area.

Men, you don’t have to try to impress her by talking about all you are doing and what you have done, or give her your entire life’s mission statement on the 1st date. Truthfully, those things don’t impress a lot of women. They are typically looking for something simple like good communication, morals and a caring heart. Sure, they want to know that you can provide, but she is likely not looking so much for or is impressed by you talking about things she is more than capable of doing for herself. I know the temptation is there to put it all on the table because it may be your only shot. However, if she is there, you have her attention. Save some of the details for date 2 or future phone conversations. Don’t unload your entire resume on date #1.

Women, don’t go on and on about what you like and don’t like. If you give a man the entire blueprint on date 1, if he is a knockoff, he can fake it because you just gave him an all access key to you. DON’T GIVE A MAN A BLUEPRINT OF YOUR HEART IF HE IS NOT CERTIFIED TO BUILD.

Also, don’t be pulling out your cell phone to constantly text. There may be times when you may be getting an update on your kids if you have kids. It is quite rude to constantly text on a date in which you are trying to get to know someone. The person you are texting is not out with you. It is supposed to be the two of you, but now you have brought in a 3rd person. The person you are on a date with may feel that perhaps the date needs to end soon because there must be something important you need to tend to. Not to mention, you don’t want the other person to think that you are updating a friend about how the date is going. Wait until they step away for a moment or you step away.

3.)  If They Don’t Call Back, Keep It Moving- This can be challenging for many because some of your egos won’t allow you to think that it actually did not go so well. One individual may have thought the date went well, but the other may have thought otherwise. On the other hand, the date could have gone well for the both of you, but perhaps the connection just wasn’t there. That does not mean that something is wrong with you or them. Don’t get angry and starting saying, “That’s their loss.” Well, if you weren’t supposed to be together, it’s no one’s loss.  Don’t get caught up with the list of questions you torture yourself with like: “Did I do or say something wrong?” “Did I say too much?” “Did I scare them off?” “Was I too aggressive?” “Did they not find me attractive?” The list goes on and on. Did you ever consider that maybe you did something right, but they were not ready to go any further because they knew that they were not on the same page as you? Did you ever consider that your standards that you have set caused them to flee? Again I say, the sooner you know the better. You don’t have time to waste, nor do you want to waste anyone else’s time. There is no need to hold onto something that is just not for you. We complicate things by adding all these extra stuff onto it. The old saying goes, “If if don’t fit, don’t force it.” Remember, you are Single For 1. If they are not the 1, they need to move out of the way so the 1 can show up. Happy 1st dating. That is all for now.

Your Singles Advisor,

The Duke