Archive for December 2011

Question of the Week: How Do I Deal With These Transitions?

December 15, 2011

Q: As a single woman, I wanted to know what are the benefits of getting married? What are some good qualities as a woman I should possess and what are good qualities I should look for in a husband?

A: Ok, so we have 2 sets of interesting questions this week. Both of them deal directly or indirectly with transitions. I will begin by answering the 1st one.  Sometimes it’s all about asking the right questions. The 1st question to ask is not what are the benefits of getting married, but do you even desire to marry? So, I guess I answered a question with a question. If you now have a desire to marry, that is where you start from. Of course the Godly structure of marriage has more to do with a larger assignment than it does with any of the individuals. God is all about covenant that He ordains. When you marry, the man and the woman make a covenant with God. This is why individuals must understand that when they violate the covenant of a God ordained marriage, they don’t just violate the individual and themselves, but they are now violating God. So, the 1st benefit is covenant together with God to carry out a greater assignment that He has for you to do together.

I put emphasis on a God ordained marriage. Another benefit of a God ordained marriage is that you are in covenant with someone who makes you better. They should be able to pull more things out of you and help you see what you could not see when you were single. As far as each individual goes, another benefit is that you compliment and balance each other. You add on to each other.

Scripture tells us that the two shall become one flesh. So, I’ll paint a picture for you. A friend of mine had a dream. In this dream she was fighting a demon. She fought and prayed and weakened the demon. She prayed until she passed out. Her male friend was close by, but when she got up, they were literally connected to each other and turned into this gigantic spiritual superhuman. When this happened, they annihilated the demon. So, there is a lot that you can accomplish alone, but when God joins you with someone, there is so much more that you can do. There are so many obvious benefits: companionship, help, intimacy, creating a legacy, etc.

In reference to good qualities that you should look for in a husband, refer back to my post from around March 2010, entitled “The 5 Points of A Good Man.” Really, a woman should be able to meet those 5 points as well; it may just look differently in some instances.  As a woman, you should also continue to better yourself.

Q: Should you date someone when they are in transition? For example, they tell you that God is dealing with them on some things and they have to fast or make some life changes or that God is calling them into ministry. How do you support them or do you just leave them alone?

A: We all go through transitions in life. Think about any transition that you have gone through. It’s called a transition for a reason. Let’s break it down by looking at the definition. According to, transition is the passage from one position, condition, etc. to another. So, it’s very possible that he could be in one place before the transition, another place during the transition and in a completely different place after the transition. That’s a lot of potential for change all in itself. It is definitely a process. Now, God does use others at points to give counsel and support during their transition. However, the key is in knowing if you are a part of the help in the process or if you can potentially be a part of the problem. You don’t want to get in the way of the transition. God may not even want him or you to be “dating” right now. We never want to hear that, but that’s why it’s key that you truthfully seek God’s direction in all things. Sometimes, support is what is needed. Truthfully, if he is in a transition, relationship should not be to the top of his list at the moment, especially with such a transition as you have stated.

Not only did you mention transition, but you also stated that he is making some life changes. So that means that his life is literally changing. I would also pose this question. What is he asking you to do? What does he want? He may say he knows what he wants right now, but I am here to tell you from experience and wisdom that transition/life changes can change everything. I’m sure many others reading this post can attest to that. When you get through a transition, you may look back at where you were and how you thought and can clearly see that you are now a different person and in a different place and state of mind from where you were prior to the transition.

If God is calling him to ministry, the best thing you can do is pray for him because that entails a completely different level of responsibility and accountability than he currently has now.  You must also pray to see what your role if any in the process. So, if you both are already friends, just be a good friend and let the transition take place. Just don’t complicate it because it could make things much tougher for all involved, especially when you know as a fact God is at work. If it is meant to be, you both will know. However, you asked the question, and I have a hunch that you already know the answer.

As always, please remember that you are Single For 1. That is all for now.

Your Singles Advisor,

The Duke